baratron: (corrosive)
I do not recommend arthritis of the spine. I don't really recommend arthritis in general, but there's something about having it in your spine that's just extra evil.

I had some injections done in January which basically fixed the problem entirely for a few months. Over the past few weeks, I have become increasingly aware of it returning in force. Yesterday things were so bad that I had to miss a lecture that I wanted to go to, because I hurt too much to be able to sit through the class without having to wriggle and fidget and stand up and change position so frequently that it would disrupt everyone else. Normal painkillers do nothing for this type of pain.

Now I don't know what to do. I have been to my Pain Management F/Up appointment, which lasted all of 10 minutes because the specialist and I were in complete agreement that I needed another set of injections. But the Pain Management Clinic admin are completely useless and gods only know when that'll actually get scheduled. I could go back on gabapentin, but I'm afraid to lose my mood control. I've actually been feeling pretty cheery over the past month or so, still a person with depression and anxiety but with those issues mostly under control, and I'm extremely reluctant to give that up.

Then again, if I'm in this much pain and discomfort, I'm not going to be able to get my work finished off because I can't actually sit still for long enough. And my department have made it very clear that I'm not getting any more extensions.

This is the kind of juggling that you have to do if you have multiple chronic illnesses which interact. No one wants to be in constant pain, but no one wants to turn into a crazy person either. Better pain control vs worse mood control is not really a good equation.

I shall, of course, be consulting a medical professional at the earliest possible opportunity. I'm not really looking for advice, because none of you have my biochemistry, or are taking my particular mix of medication. But I certainly need *hugs* and comforting pats over the internet.


Jul. 21st, 2014 08:37 am
baratron: (flasks)
I really Do Not Like how I'm feeling at the moment. It's 8.24 am and I haven't managed to sleep yet, even though I quit my game before 5 am and lay down in the almost-dark for almost an hour before giving up and reading on my phone again. I feel so desperate and frustrated, and my moods are all over the place.

The conclusion I have come to is that I've never regained the same level of mood control that I had before going on pregabalin and then gabapentin, which are both anticonvulsants which affect mood, used for relief of pain caused by neurological issues. I thought that stopping the gabapentin would be enough to make my carbamazepine go back to smoothing things out, but it's been 6 months and I still don't feel as though I'm getting adequate mood control. (Also, my back needs another set of injections, which is another story in itself.)

Right now I feel in a "glorious" mixed state of depression and hypomania, with all sorts of negative self-hatred/self-harming desires going through my mind, as well as anger and tearfulness, and too many thoughts. In some respects I feel as though I have loads of energy, except I don't really. Loads of thoughts and ideas, but no actual energy or concentration span to start writing any of them down. I keep playing Elder Scrolls Online because it's the only damned thing I can concentrate on, and it's absorbing enough that I don't have to worry about anything else while I play it. I have a horrible feeling I'm using it to self-medicate because of how shitty I feel when I'm playing and there's no one else I care about on to talk to.

I need to go and see my doctor. It's difficult to explain how bad I'm feeling when I can fake normal so well. I keep thinking "I hate my life", except I don't, really. My life is pretty awesome in so many ways. What I hate is my brain, for not managing its own neurotransmitters properly.

Don't want advice, don't want sympathy, only empathy from people who have some idea what this feels like. Stupid brains!
baratron: (corrosive)
My last couple of posts were interesting for me, since quite a few people commented who don't usually say anything here. Indeed, I didn't even know some of them still read my journal. It's nice to know people are still reading, even if they don't have the energy to comment very often. Hi! *waves*

Long-term readers of this journal will remember that I used to have an evil gall bladder. Now I have a mostly quiescent gall bladder, except in three cases:
1) If I eat too much fat.
2) At certain times of the month.
3) If I take codeine.

(1) is easy enough to deal with - it's hardly the end of the world to avoid fat, especially since the amount I'm able to eat these days is enough for me not to feel hard done by. (2) and (3) are more of a problem. I can't stop having menstrual cycles (not without aggravating other health issues), and gall bladders are known to be affected by oestrogen. That's one of the reasons why it's mostly women and "fat people" who get gallstones - oestrogen is fat-soluble. And of course, the main time I take codeine is when I have period pain.

So last night was epic "fun" - trying to make sure I took enough codeine to deal with my evil uterus without simultaneously aggravating my evil gall bladder. Paracetamol alone was no use: it was wearing off in 2.5 hours, and you can only safely take it every 4 hours. (And only 4 doses in a day, which is "great" when you wake up with pain in the middle of the night). I can't take NSAIDs because I have an anaphylaxic-type reaction to aspirin and ibuprofen - severe wheezing and throat closing up. So opiates are my only option. Literally. I'm not even sure that I can use a TENS machine right now with the weird back/leg neurological thing I have. Not until the doctor from the pain management clinic stops being shite and actually gets back to me with a new appointment :/

Ahh, bodies. Especially bodies that are broken in multiple ways.
baratron: (endurance)
I really do not like how utterly despondent I'm feeling. I stopped taking pregabalin as soon as I realised it might be making me depressed, and it took nine days to get back to normal. In context: I took the medication for eight days, and it was a further nine days before I felt like a human being again. Urgh.

I've been taking gabapentin for about a week. I was fine on 100 mg, except that's too low a dose to do anything at all. (A typical sort of dose for neuropathic pain would be around 900 mg a day). Increased the dose to 200 mg after four days, been on that dose for two days, and I'm starting to feel decidedly iffy again. At least I only feel crap and unmotivated. I don't actually want to be dead (yet). I'm going to stay on the current dose for a lot longer than the doctor said (he wanted me to increase every 2 days) to see if this feeling of malaise eases off.

I also need to manage being awake in the daytime to chase the results of my MRI from the chronic pain clinic. Lately, I have been failing at daytimes.


Aug. 21st, 2013 05:54 am
baratron: (endurance)
Ah, fuck. About an hour ago, Richard pointed out that I might be horribly weirdly depressed because of the new medication I just started taking. Given that (a) it interacts with all the antidepressants and mood stabilisers I'm on and (b) it is also an antiepileptic drug, this does not seem unlikely. Given that (a) it does not seem to be doing me any good yet and (b) I'm on a low enough dose to just stop taking it, we are thinking that perhaps I should do that. Frankly, if a medication makes me want to be dead, I don't want to take it. Though I'm prepared to risk starting up again when I'm not in luteal phase when my moods are always wobbliest. Will consult doctor on this.

I have to say that provoking gender dysphoria in someone who is happy with "human female" 90% of the time is one of the weirder side-effects I've ever seen, but I suppose it comes under "abnormal thinking". Not that gender dysphoria itself is abnormal, just that it's not normal if you're usually able to cope with your body not quite fitting your internal gender. (TMI comments removed for the benefit of any gentler reader).

I have been downstairs to make chocolate crunchies, which consist of melted chocolate plus golden syrup plus corn flakes, stuck in the fridge for half an hour until they set, and eaten two of them. I also *somehow* found the energy to unload and reload the dishwasher, so it's running now.
baratron: (flasks)
Have spoken to doctor now, and am starting on 25 mcg (or μg) of thyroxine imminently.

It's all fun when you're as broken as me. They've been rather leery about assuming that I'm hypothyroid over the more than 5 years in which I've exhibited raised TSH because even though I have all the symptoms bar one, they're rather vague symptoms: physical exhaustion, mental fatigue, putting on weight, not being able to lose weight, water retention, feeling cold all the time, dry skin, hair falling out. I'm also on a medication that can cause artificially raised TSH (carbamazepine). Read more... )
Anyway. Apparently I've now had enough blood tests to exclude pretty much anything else that could be causing the symptoms AND have hit the magic threshold, I'm going to try thyroxine. The worst thing about going on thyroxine is that I am going to have to, finally, after years of resisting because it makes me feel too broken, set up an app on my phone with dozens of alarms to tell me to take pills at different times of day. (I have the app already, don't need recommendations, thanks). Thyroxine has to be taken 4 hours before vitamin pills containing calcium or iron (which is every vitamin I own), and I think before CQ-10, but there's no way on earth that I can be conscious for 4 hours without my vitamins. I kinda rely on them to wake me up. So I'm probably going to have to set an alarm to wake me up to take the thyroxine, then wake up again four hours later to eat and take vitamins. ARGH! And I already have a venlafaxine alarm because the 37.5 mg tablets don't come in extended release in this country...

Look, I know it could be worse. It's not even first-world problems - there are plenty of first-world countries where it would cost me more than a total of £104 a year for every medication I take. (I believe that if I need to continue on thyroxine for life, then I'd get a medical exemption certificate and would never have to pay for any prescription ever again, but I'm not sure how bad one's hypothyroidism needs to be to qualify for that, the website is rather unclear). HIV only a few years ago involved well over 20 pills a day just for that, many of which had to be taken at fixed intervals apart from each other. So does cystic fibrosis - and that comes with a death sentence if you don't get a lung transplant before a certain age. Being on thyroxine and having to time my meds? Not the end of the world, and it's very likely to make me better. It's just... one more thing to make me feel weird/broken.

Also, soya is supposed to be Bad For Thyroids, Read more... )
baratron: (Skyrim)
WTF? According to IMDB, the UK isn't getting Wreck-It Ralph until 15th February 2013. That is just ridiculous. The Disney official site says 8th February 2013, but that's scarcely an improvement. Does Disney not realise that in this day and age, people have friends all over the world? Three months is a long time to wait.

In other news, I have assumed that my weird illness last week was down to side-effects from increasing my dose of venlafaxine. Everything that was wrong was a thing mentioned on the leaflet. If I'm not all the way better next week, I'll worry about it then.

Sutton Hospital have sent me an absolutely ridiculous packet of questionnaires that need to be filled in and taken to my appointment on 11th December. Seriously - I haven't counted the sheets, but we're talking at least 15 sheets of A4 paper. Do they not realise I have chronic fatigue? Damn them.

Also, my NaNoWriMo "novel" has reached the fabled and mythical 50,000 words status. I shall submit it for checking in a few days. The story is approximately half-finished, so I need some other word counter software to plot a little graph to show how I'm doing relative to the idea of N words per day. I'm absolutely sure I could do this in OpenOffice or Excel, but I like the public-ness of the NaNoWriMo site. Anyone know of an alternative that exists all year round?


Mar. 22nd, 2012 07:00 pm
baratron: (goggles)

Have not been to the doctor - today was her day off, & I thought it was entirely pointless seeing someone else. The problem with doctors is that more than half of their notes are in their heads rather than on the computer, so I/we/another doctor can guess at her reasoning for changing the drug dose as much as we want - doesn't mean we'll be right.

I have spoken to the pharmacist, who's been making up my prescriptions for a decade, and he says that a month is long enough to be sure it's not working. So I will try to get an appointment tomorrow, which means being awake at 8.30am. *Properly* awake, since it'll either involve going there, or being held in a queue on the phone. Last month when I tried to call, I kept falling asleep while in the queue, which was no use for anything.

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

baratron: (introspection)
Last time I posted, I don't think I was very successful in getting across just how miserable I was. Only got two comments, and that almost made me feel worse. Which is pathetic, I know, but such is bad brain chemistry.

I am still miserable. I don't think this lowered dose of trazodone is sensible. But I also don't know how long I should try it for before giving it up as a bad idea. Clearly, if I've been on a dose for 8 years, then 1-2 weeks isn't going to be long enough for my brain to revert to what it should be doing unassisted. It's been a month now, and not only am I depressed, but I have my horrible PreMenstrual Dysphoric Disorder back as well - self-loathing and body-hatred. For the past couple of days I've been feeling so dreadful that I couldn't face doing anything, including reading fiction or playing video games. Instead I've been sitting on the sofa cuddling Richard while he played Skyrim.

I suppose I need to go back to the doctor. This is hard. I wish my old doctor had never retired :(

I also need some interaction with other humans, but this is also hard considering that I can't face phoning anyone, and have nothing to talk about.

And I'm miserable enough to feel guilty for writing this self-indulgent whining while other people have actual reasons for being depressed. Eugh.

Feel free to offer *hugs* or blank comments if you want to express sympathy but don't know what to say. Would also welcome supportive comments about dragging myself back to the doctor, and gifts of spoons.
baratron: (flasks)
Wow. I am so flaky. It is nearly 7 am, and I am still awake because I haven't done anything useful today.

My brain isn't in a very good place. My "new" GP (well, okay, I've been seeing her for 9 months, but that's still new, especially as I don't go to the doctor every single month) suggested I should come off trazodone, since it has a sedating effect which could be making my chronic fatigue worse. Normally I leave medication changes until holidays or other times when I don't have work to do, but I agreed to do it right away because I didn't think trazodone was doing anything for me*. MORE FOOL ME.

So I've spent the week getting increasingly tearful and unable to cope. I've stopped crashing out and being comatose for 12 hours on end, or having incredibly weird, vivid dreams that make me wake up exhausted from tossing and turning - but I can't stay asleep for more than 2 hours at a time either. And I feel slightly as though my head is about to fall off, all my skin is uncomfortable, and every so often I drift a few inches out of my body. Not as badly as proper, depressive depersonalisation episodes - but still not exactly pleasant.

I'm going to continue with my current trazodone dose for another couple of weeks, until either the discontinuation syndrome goes away, or I entirely lose the ability to cope. I'm not sure which will happen first. (I wish it was easier to titrate drug doses - chopping a dose from 100 mg to 50 mg is quite a big jump. Would've been easier if a smaller decrease was possible).

Also, my vitamin D level was 41 nmol/L in my most recent test. (It was 57 nmol/L in the summer, and that was still bad - 75 nmol/L or more is generally considered as the bottom end of "normal", and lately some doctors have started recommending 100 nmol/L as the minimum). The doctor started quizzing me about compliance with the 800 i.u. per day of vitamin D that she told me to take - she honestly thought I was missing it out. I pointed out that I've been taking 1250 i.u. per day because of the amount that was already in my multivitamin, and she suggested 2000 i.u. per day for the next 6 months. Blah!

Fortunately, I finally found a source for vegan vitamin D3. The different forms of vitamin D are closely-related steroid compounds, and there's some controversy about whether D2 (ergocalciferol, derived from plants) is as good as D3 (cholecalciferol) made in animal skin. Obviously, it's D3 that our bodies actually use. On the basis that everything I eat is fortified with vitamin D2 (ergocalciferol) and yet I was still horribly deficient, I've been taking D3 derived from lanolin in sheep's wool for the past few months year, since there weren't any vegan forms of D3 on the market. But apparently it can be produced by lichens. GO LICHENS!

* I haven't been on a single antidepressant in years - my old GP was a great believer in taking several different drugs on lower doses to get the best balance between positive useful effects and bad side-effects.

WTF, body!

Nov. 25th, 2011 09:56 pm
baratron: (sleepy)
Seeing that I have to be on a train at 8.49 am tomorrow, I "cleverly" took a sleeping pill at a reasonable hour last night in the hope of waking up at a sensible time today. It's Zopiclone, the only sleeping pill which has ever worked for me, and it's supposed to knock you out for 8 hours. I set several alarms as well.

I then proceeded to SLEEP THROUGH all of those alarms and not wake up properly until 6 pm. So much for getting myself onto "being awake in the morning" time! It's now 9.45 pm and I'm still feeling incredibly wobbly, sleepy and spoon-depleted, despite having eaten properly and taken vitamin pills.


Btw, Richard has found the ultimate cat-herder for when bisexuals do need herding. As seen in several blogs, newspapers and even TV: Fenton the labrador (language not work-safe).
baratron: (flasks)
Here is a news article which is worth propagating to all UK people (especially those who live in south London): Consumers are being warned to check packs of Nurofen Plus after it emerged that thousands could mistakenly contain antipsychotic drugs.

I don't take it myself since I'm not allowed NSAIDs, but I guess that ibuprofen plus codeine is a fairly common medication amongst menstruating women and people with chronic pain conditions.

The news article says that the affected packs have 32 tablets in, are in batches numbered 13JJ, 57JJ and 49JJ, and that Seroquel tablets have gold and black packaging and are larger in comparison to Nurofen Plus tablets. If you have accidental Seroquel then return the packet to the pharmacy where you bought it and report it to the Medicines and Healthcare products Regulatory Agency's defective medicines report centre on 020 3080 6574.


May. 28th, 2010 06:57 pm
baratron: (flasks)
In other news, I have finally managed to get a telephone appointment with a doctor, and got the correct dose of carbamazepine. I've even been to the pharmacy to pick it up.

Hoping that normal ability-to-function will be restored shortly.
baratron: (introspection)
Life is strange at the moment. Still not on the right dose of carbamazepine because I am an idiot. I called the surgery last Wednesday to ask when the earliest telephone appointment with my doctor would be, and they said 11am tomorrow... so I didn't take it because I thought I'd be capable of getting into the surgery to see any old doctor before that. Duh. What I should have done was take the telephone appointment, and then if I did manage to see someone else, cancel it. It's not as if an appointment with my impossible-to-see doctor would have gone unfilled for very long.

So my head is in a strange place, and my sex drive is ratcheting up, and my moods are really quite unstable. And my concentration span is going all over the place - sometimes good, sometimes non-existant.

I'm also thinking that I need to do some serious thinking about my various relationships. Essentially, though I never thought it would be - my PhD is like a new primary partnership. I thought it would be more like a new job - it hadn't occurred to me just how life-filling (in the sense of "expanding to more than fill the time available") it would be. Let alone the fact it's always with me, financially-entwined, and of highest priority in my life. Really, it's a lot like a relationship, which is odd considering there's only one person in it. (Well, three, if I include my supervisors, but that just feels weird). I haven't had time for proper quality time with my other partners in months, but I don't want to split up with either of them because I really care about them, but my balance of time and spoons available are all out of whack. It's confusing.

It would really help with the feeling more in control of my life if I didn't live in an absolute fecking tip. I've no idea how we're going to get the house sorted out when I'm too tired during the week to do housework, and Richard keeps going away at the weekends for paintball events. What we need is to get it tidied up enough that we can get a cleaner. But we have too much random crap, and too much stuff that is actually quite important but looks like crap.

I'd quite like to play my bass guitar sometime, and go out to see bands, and have time to read books for pleasure, and fit in extra research that is non-essential but useful background reading. And I don't know how I can get it all in because going up to college three days a week eats too many of my spoons.

Don't actually want advice, by the way. This is more of an "everything is confusing and in flux" post than a "help, I don't know what to do" post. I am wondering just how much better my spoon levels will get when I finally get my Mac and can work from home instead of having to keep physically going to college. Might be that's all I need? :S


May. 15th, 2010 05:46 pm
baratron: (flasks)
My brain hasn't been working properly for several days because I'm not on the right dose of my mood stabiliser. I normally take 500 mg made up of a 400 mg tablet and a 100 mg tablet, but the 100 mgs have dropped off the bottom of my repeat prescription - and I've had too many things I have to do at college to be able to see the doctor and get it sorted out.

It's amazing how much difference 100 mg makes. I am sleepy, forgetful and low-level depressed, as well as quite headachy. So in general I am useless right now.

Hoping to get a telephone appointment with my doctor sometime next week (Monday is out, the rest of the week should be okay) to get the prescription sorted out. Ugh.
baratron: (Warning: Sick!)
I have digestive woes, which you don't need to read about to hear why I feel so bad. ) The real problem is this: I'm on the extended-release form of venlafaxine/Efexor. It's supposed to pass through your body over 24 hours or so. If for some reason that doesn't happen (e.g. because your digestive system is messed up), you don't get the right dose of the drug. As a result of this, every night now I get an appalling headache, like a migraine, suddenly come on with acute aphasia. Efexor is well known for causing aphasia when you're tired, especially at the higher doses; but this withdrawal effect is like most of the words in my head drop out and I'm left unable to explain what is wrong, or indeed to talk about anything. For example, the other day I was making dinner when it happened, and I wanted to ask Richard to get all of the tomato juices out of the cupboard and give me the one with the shortest best-before date. I knew that in my head, but when I tried to say it I couldn't remember the word "tomato" at all, while it took forever to remember "juice". So what came out was "Get the... red...... juice... from" The thing about best-before dates was way too complicated.

It's scary for Richard because it reminds him of after his grandfather had a stroke, and it's frustrating for me. I only hope my damned digestive system improves pronto so it STOPS HAPPENING.

And TMI.

Jul. 20th, 2009 07:27 pm
baratron: (dino)
Forgot to take my 37.5 mg Efexor tablet yesterday, and as the worst that happened was a mild headache, have decided to officially drop the dosage to 150 mg. As a result extreme digestive TMI has been occurring. Fortunately, if this is anything like when I went from 225 mg --> 187.5 mg, it'll only last 36 hours or so and I'll have stopped exploding by tomorrow. Just as well, seeing as my plans for Wednesday involve 6.5 hours on an aeroplane!

My PMS this month was "interesting". It wasn't anywhere near pre-mood stabiliser levels, and it wasn't even at pre-antidepressant levels - but I very definitely had PMS with the irritable screaming at someone one minute and wanting to burst into tears the next. It wasn't nice. I remember premenstrual dysphoric disorder and psychosis, and I Do Not Want to go back there, thankyouvermuch. Will be keeping an eye on this to see whether more carbamazepine is needed.

Also, last Friday I had such bad period pain that after teaching my student, I went back to bed. And me, the person who never falls asleep in the daytime unless I'm sick, zonked out for 4 hours. Until I woke up needing more dihydrocodeine. Ugh. Wondering whether my period PAIN has been controlled at all by Efexor. It seems weird, except that SNRIs are prescribed for various types of pain now... Eternally grateful that this month's menstrual cycle was 24 days not 29 days, so I had the intense ill while at home and not while in the US seeing Freezepop :)
baratron: (Default)
I've started reducing my dose of Efexor, so as expected, I am feeling more than half-dead. Except things aren't really going the way I was expecting. I thought I'd get migraines, pins and needles, brain shivers and weird electrical discharges, as those are the symptoms I get when I forget a dose. Instead, I seem to have become basically comatose. Crashing out for 12 or more hours and still exhausted once I've struggled back into consciousness. As I write this, I've been "awake" for an hour, have thick black circles under my eyes, am yawning my head off, and feel ready to zonk out again.

I'm not sure whether I'm having the promised "bizarre dreams", because my dreams are always bizarre... but I certainly seem to be having a lot of dreams relative to the amount of sleep I'm getting. Which could be why I'm so tired.
baratron: (cn tower)
For anyone who was wondering/worrying, my application form is DONE and was dropped off at the Registry yesterday.

Currently enjoying a few days of not having to do anything important before I start all the jobs for the summer. Like sorting and posting all the photos from my camera over the past couple of years, a massive reduction in the entropy of our house... Probably trying to find some work-for-money (though there is little tutoring available over the summer holiday) so I'm not completely broke come September.

Richard is going away early on Thursday morning and won't be back until very late on Sunday, so I will need company to stop me going completely insane. Especially as I may be in the middle of a week-long migraine and so have no patience or desire to do anything. If you can cope with me when I'm a grumpy bitch then please sign up now ;)

The thermometer outside our house is claiming it's 31.7 degrees C. I think it's probably overestimating due to direct sunlight on the probe, but even taking that into account... it's hot and humid! For those of you who are interested in such things, I am typing this while naked. Need to go shopping, but can't face putting clothes on yet.
baratron: (flasks)
Went to the doctor this morning. Now have the timetable for my Several Months of Living Hell, a.k.a. coming off Efexor.

It is a very well-known fact that venlafaxine Is Evil, which is why it's usually only given to people who have not responded properly to any other antidepressant. Coming off venlafaxine is "fun". So much fun that it can be really dangerous for you and others around you. In fact, it's even possible to have such bad symptoms that you think you're having a stroke.

My doctor wants me to go reeeeeeeally slowly. 75 mg per month or less, meaning it'll take a minimum of three months to reduce my dose from 225 mg to zero. I'm not liking the look of this at all. I'm especially not liking the fact you can't get 37.5 mg extended release capsules in the UK, so I'm going to have to make up intermediate doses with a combination of the extended release capsules and the regular tablets. Seeing how badly it affected me when I got tablets instead of capsules one time by mistake, I'm quite scared.

So if you are around me over the next few months, in person, on the phone or online, and I seem to be acting like a psycho bitch from hell: a) please understand it's not my fault and b) TELL ME! Because I don't always know that I'm behaving like a crazy person until someone else points it out, and I need to know that I'm not right in order to stop it. Also, I have a higher-than-average chance of going manic (Efexor is pretty much THE WORST antidepressant still in common usage for triggering rapid cycling), so be aware that if I'm bouncing off the walls it may not be a good thing. Ask me some basic questions to see if my inhibition is lowered. Though I'd prefer it if you didn't ACT on the results of whatever I say. ("Do you want to have sex with me, on this table, in front of everyone, right now?" might well get the answer of "YES!!" even if I don't fancy you.)

Or just shoot me to be done with it :P


baratron: (Default)

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