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WTB: Mental Health
Jan. 31st, 2019 08:11 pmLife is hard work at the moment, for me and for my partners. Today I received literally HALF A REAM (precisely 251 sheets) of A4 paper, being a copy of ALL of the data that the Department of Work and Pensions has about my disabilities. I gave it to Richard to hide because I have no idea when I'm going to be summoned to court for the appeal, and I'm already suicidal without having that lying around to look at.
I am sick of massive moodswings from nowhere. I've always been a very mood reactive person. During episodes of major depression, I can seem entirely normal and happy when out with my friends - because I am. Being around people I love cheers me up. Even when I'm too depressed to move, sitting on the bed, I can laugh my head off at something Richard says because he's hilarious, before going back to hating myself a few minutes later.
But this is worse. This isn't mood reactivity, this is... without a trigger. I can be laughing at cute pictures of gay lawyers and then suddenly a crying fit for no reason at all. If there was a trigger - if I was crying at a sad part in a story, or if I was aware of a negative/unhelpful thought drifting up from my subconscious - I would find it much easier to cope with. But it's with no discernable trigger at all, and that is both exhausting and terrifying.
( Content warning: suicidal ideation )
Tomorrow is my anniversary with Richard. We will have been together for 21 years, which is literally half our lifetimes. He has been helping me deal with The Mental (TM) all of that time. The man must be a fuckin' saint.
I am sick of massive moodswings from nowhere. I've always been a very mood reactive person. During episodes of major depression, I can seem entirely normal and happy when out with my friends - because I am. Being around people I love cheers me up. Even when I'm too depressed to move, sitting on the bed, I can laugh my head off at something Richard says because he's hilarious, before going back to hating myself a few minutes later.
But this is worse. This isn't mood reactivity, this is... without a trigger. I can be laughing at cute pictures of gay lawyers and then suddenly a crying fit for no reason at all. If there was a trigger - if I was crying at a sad part in a story, or if I was aware of a negative/unhelpful thought drifting up from my subconscious - I would find it much easier to cope with. But it's with no discernable trigger at all, and that is both exhausting and terrifying.
( Content warning: suicidal ideation )
Tomorrow is my anniversary with Richard. We will have been together for 21 years, which is literally half our lifetimes. He has been helping me deal with The Mental (TM) all of that time. The man must be a fuckin' saint.
