helen-louise's journal

My health has been slowly breaking down over the past few months, and I don't just mean my mental health.

Just before the coronavirus really kicked in, I went to the US to attend PAX East and visit Grant. The convention itself was great, met several important friends, and hung out with some of the Elder Scrolls Online devs. Again. Given that I work for UESP they already have a pretty good idea who we are.



( Cut for more pictures. )

One of the important friends (Tatanko) drove Grant and I 8 hours across country to State College, PA, where he lives, from whence we hired a car and drove another 2 hours to Grant's grandmother's funeral. Which was fine. His dad was really pleased to see me/us. His mum and brother were a bit more surprised, but I think ultimately glad we made the effort, and I don't really care about anyone else.

Then I got home and had to go straight into isolation, because although I didn't get a letter telling me I had to, I take one of the inhalers on Asthma UK's list of "medications which imply your asthma is bad enough that you should be shielding". So over the past however many weeks since I got home, I have been out of the house 4 times - and 2 of those were for doctor's appointments. I am very lucky to have a Richard because I would have literally starved by now without his loving cooking.

Also... well, this story is long, and needs some privacy.

My apologies for the lack of updates. I have been eaten by chronic fatigue . Fortunately, I am staying with Grant, so I have access to an Emotional Support Alligator.

At some point I should write about things such as PAX East, Being a V.I.P. at Bethesda Game Days, and interviewing Todd Howard (yes, the Todd Howard), but I kinda have to get that interview typed up first. Our interview with Rich Lambert is online in video format and I'm 2/3 of the way through the transcription. Can you believe it takes an hour to transcribe 5 minutes of audio? It's nothing to do with how quickly a person types, it's the effort required to get all of the dialogue recorded perfectly. We tried an auto-transcriber and it had severe issues with all of the fantasy universe words. ( If you'd like a laugh... )

In other news, I believe there is a BiFest in Kingston today, which would be very convenient if only I was in Kingston instead of on another continent. I expect a full write-up (within session confidentiality rules) and lots of photos (with the consent of the people in the picture). Please.

I am visiting Grant in the US!

My flight on Tuesday was one of the least unpleasant transatlantic flights I've ever taken. No turbulence at all until the final descent, enough spare seats that I didn't have someone immediately next to me, they fed me twice with food which was labelled as allergen-free, my own wheelchair got delivered directly to the plane (!) only a little more broken than it was before and easily fixable. I should probably emphasise the last point because it's really unusual for an electric wheelchair to make it directly to the gate. More usually they bring me a manual chair and a minion to push, and then I pick up my wheelchair either at the top of the ramp or down where you pick up cases.

We went for a meal at the wonderful Veggie Planet in Mississauga, about 10 minutes away from Toronto Airport. This place almost literally saved my life when my flight was delayed for 26 hours in April. I mean, I have enough body fat that I wouldn't have actually dropped dead of malnutrition, but you do not want to know how grumpy I get when I have low blood sugar - let alone when I've slept for an insufficient amount of time in my clothes in an overpriced hotel room.

Clearing both Canadian and American customs was super easy and friendly. The Canadians were just like "What are you doing in Canada?", I said, "Going to have lunch and then going to the US", and they waved me straight through. American customs are often highly suspicious when someone on an overseas passport crosses the land border, because they think I might have been living in the US and I've just crossed the border to "reset" the 6 months that a tourist is allowed to stay without a visa, but we've done it enough times now to know the "correct" answers. Plus I can prove exactly where I've been thanks to location stamps on my photos and Google Maps timeline. Rather than me moving to the US, what we really need is some way to move Grant to the UK, but that's... complicated.

So it was all good, but travelling for this distance with chronic fatigue syndrome and having been unwell immediately before (I really thought I was going down with a cold, but it evaporated), and having had no sleep for 30 hours is going to knock me out for several days. (To be fair, I did fall asleep on the plane 5 times, each time for less than a minute.) Yesterday was a fun day of... sleep. Today I woke up at noon and am currently contemplating some form of breakfast.

You are probably wondering why I haven't written anything on Dreamwidth for a while, and the answer is that I have either been too busy or stressed to write anything, or too busy recovering from being busy/stressed. I had a particularly unpleasant run-in with some friends a couple of weeks ago which necessitated the writing of a very detailed email, which used up about a month's worth of Coherent Writing Spoons.

This week has been particularly stressful because I am getting ready to go and visit my Grant. Monday involved a massive list of chores:( Read more... )

On Tuesday, I collapsed in a heap.

Yesterday, I had some social media work to do for UESP. 15 minutes before the new Elder Scrolls Online expansion was due to be announced live on Twitch, I heard a strange sound and discovered we had, quite literally, piss water pouring through our kitchen ceiling. This isn't the first time we've had a bathroom leak which became a kitchen ceiling leak, but it is the first time that it's been grey water rather than clean. A minor domestic might have ensued, due to my despair that our plumbing had been fucked for 10 days and Richard hadn't made it a priority because of work, combined with Richard's belief that I use too much toilet roll. (TMI, I'm sure, but I can't just shake myself dry! I'm not sure anyone with my type of anatomy can!)

We finally figured out that I could call Thames Water's 24-hour emergency line and sit through all the being on hold, and then pass the phone to Richard to speak to the actual Thames Water person using proper engineering language. Also we set up the camping toilet. I was not coping and had a raging headache just above my left eye. It didn't help that we were OUT OF CAKE and Richard had managed to leave the cake that he'd bought me in Wagamama when I phoned to say that the drains had become critical.

A friend asked just why our house drains are so evil. They're about 30-40 years old, ceramic, and they've started to crack in the soil. As a result, soiled water leaks into the ground, making our weeds in the back garden grow like crazy. Meanwhile, any solid effluent gets stuck in the pipes without any liquid to push it along.

We had the drain under our house, which is our responsibility, relined in October for the grand total of £100 because our insurance company paid the rest. However, the drain outside our house, which is Thames Water's responsibility, has never been repaired. They only ever come along and hose it out when there's a problem. From experience, about 75% of the workmen at Thames Water's contractor Lanes are lazy buggers who don't want to work.

Lanes called Richard today at 17:18 saying that an engineer would be dispatched and he would call when en route. Said engineer turned up at 18:20 or so without calling while I was in an old, holey pair of pyjamas. It was too late to access the appropriate manhole, being the one at the end of our garden just outside our property border, because the MOT garage there shuts up about 6pm. He said he would check with the neighbours to see if it was possible to clear the blockage from there, and then disappeared. About 18:45 or so my mother was leaving the house and she asked where the guy from Thames Water had parked. I said "Just up the road, why?" and she said "I'm sure I just saw the van leaving". Lo and behold, I checked with our neighbour and the workman had indeed done a runner.

This is a complete and utter Lanes "special". The engineers turn up, look at the problem, fail to believe anything I say, and then bugger off without a word to me. I literally cannot BELIEVE that he didn't call my phone or knock on the door to say he was leaving. I am PISSED OFF. We have no functioning toilet other than the camping toilet, which is a bucket with a seat, and not really suitable for Number Twos.

Meanwhile, I'm supposed to go and get on a plane tomorrow morning. I have done the online check-in for my flight tomorrow, I have told 2 x banks that I am going abroad, and I've updated my travel insurance because it runs out during my trip. I have also called Lanes and had a good moan, and we have an appointment booked tomorrow between 10am and 12 noon.

I wish I felt excited about going to see Grant. He's excited because he's lonely and touch-starved, and he's going to get me for over 3 weeks. I feel guilty because I'm running off and leaving Richard with a house with a backed-up drain, a squeaky bathroom sink tap, and some sort of alarming leak in the bathroom which is soaking the tiles and running down to the kitchen ceiling. It doesn't seem fair to leave one of my primary partners dealing with a WHOLE LOAD of plumbing problems while I'm off enjoying myself with the other one. I really should be here to support Richard while he works on it - but I can't afford to reschedule my flight.

It's just frustrating and upsetting and not what you need before a holiday.

I have many photos of my trip to the US to post, when I get A Round Tuit. They are crappy mobile phone pictures, but I cannot be bothered to carry a real camera with me any more. I am a terrible photographer with the best equipment in the world, and I'm more interested in recording memories than attempting to take good shots.

Currently I am worrying about being stranded in New York tomorrow once Delta drop me off there.

It turns out that Aer Lingus are morons. I've had several "incidents" with them this trip and am never flying with them again, but in the meantime they are supposed to be getting me home to London tomorrow.( Read more... )

I did not get around to booking for BiCon. The closing date for accommodation was just too early considering that I have no idea what my health will be doing in July. If I am not much better than I am now, I will be going splat and having to go to bed in the middle of the afternoon, at unpredictable times, and it seems fairly pointless to pay money to go away in that scenario.

Which means you might be questioning how come I can go to Boston next week, but that will be easier since I will have the husband and the boyfriend, both of whom are entirely competent carers for me. If we're out and about and I feel too wobbly to carry on, I can trust either or both of them to get me back to the place where we're staying and/or get food into me. Neither of them want to go to BiCon (they are both way too introverted), and I don't have anyone else who is familiar enough with my current limitations to act as a carer. (I know people who would be happy to ensure I got fed, but I wouldn't want to ask any of them to give up what they want to do at BiCon unless I was paying them, which is a whole other kettle of fish and... yeah.)

I still need to talk to my university, because I was supposed to be going back when term started on 18th April, and I am clearly nowhere near well enough to go back for at least a few more weeks. It's likely that I'll actually go back next term instead, as long as they aren't going to give me grief about the fact you're only "supposed" to have a maximum of 2 years (6 terms) "off" on breaks of study during a PhD course. I'd love to be back, but it would be a waste of everyone's time and my money, since I just about have enough energy to get downstairs on average once a day. The increased thyroxine and vitamin D are helping up to a point, but I am not magically better and dancing around full of the joys of spring.

Today is however a glorious day and I went out to vote for the Mayor of London and London Assembly. No prizes for guessing which party won my first choice, and even my second choice is pretty easy to guess. (Hint: I didn't vote for anyone in favour of leaving the European Union). Politics lately are stressing me out: the London Assembly election today, the referendum on leaving the EU in a few weeks, and the horrible, hateful candidate up for election as President of the USA. Honestly, if it weren't for that nice Mr Trudeau, I'd be hiding under a rock.

Also today I washed my dinosaur. Yay! for clean dinos.

US SIM card not all that helpful. Reception in the house is flaky at best. Yesterday it took me a full 3 hours simply to post (a) one message to a web forum giving the people I'm supposed to be meeting up with my address & US phone number, & (b) one LJ private message with the same details. ARGH!

I have no idea whether any of these meetings are actually going to happen, as I haven't heard back from anyone yet.

Also, this SIM card is locked down somehow so I can't use my phone as a WiFi hotspot for my computer, like I do at home when away from a modem. So it's tiny screen phone internet only.

And just to add insult to injury, T-mobile, in their infinite wisdom, have decided to put a "Web Guard" on my phone. This blocks access to LiveJournal & deadjournal, but not *actual* dubious content - I had no trouble viewing the NSFW webcomic Menage à 3!

Currently I am sitting in the sun outside the Walmart on the 192 at W Vine St and Oren Brown Road (feel free to look it up on Google Maps if you want to stalk me in the next half hour). I got so "claustrophobic" in the house that I had to get out, even though it meant trundelling along the grass verges of main roads. Claustrophobia isn't really the right term because that's a fear of open spaces, and there's nothing BUT open space here. But I felt totally trapped and panicky in a place where you need a car to get anywhere.

It's bloody weird here. Apparently Floridians don't believe in pavements/sidewalks. They exist, but only in actual housing estates. You go along the pavement & suddenly it vanishes, to be replaced with a naked grass verge. WTF? This happens over and over again down the length of a road. I have no fucking idea why, because the weather is so glorious here that walking or cycling in the outdoors seems a way better option than being stuck in a metal box, but go figure.I am also having severe environmental rage, all the time.

They don't recycle here. At all! EVERYTHING goes into the normal dustbin for landfill. ARGH! What a waste! Just add all the overpackaging issues (e.g. tons of disposable plastic bags, handed out like sweetie, even for things like 1 gallon drinks bottles WITH THEIR OWN HANDLE), and you can see why it's making me angry.

Anyway, going to try unbarring my phone again now. Hopefully will be able to read LJ again soon.

Edit, 22:06 Couldn't get my phone unbarred since T-Mobile's system was "being upgraded". However, I am now in HOOTERS of all places, using their free internet :D

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

Richard & I have been really emo this evening. When it's one of us that feels bad, the other one can comfort them; but it seems to be almost impossible when both of us feel bad to simultaneously provide comfort.

Basically - Richard invited me to come with his paintball team to Florida next month, but where they will be staying is the arse end of nowhere with no public transport. So if I went, I'd either be stuck in the villa all day every day, or having to take taxis everywhere - which will cost a small fortune and greatly limit my movements. If they were staying in Orlando, it would be fine - but they stay in "cities" like Davenport and Polk City, which have 1500 permanent residents and then thousands of holiday homes. And Orlando is in the total opposite direction to where they need to go for the paintball tournament (which is literally in the middle of nowhere), so they couldn't even drop me at a bus stop on the way there.

We then proceeded to have a mutual meltdown about how broken I am. Bluh. ( It got long... )

Well, I'm home. Many thank yous to my lovely hosts, jinian & hattifattener and leback & Alexei. Also to their various cats: Dizzy, Bat & Squeak, and Jasmine, Mischa & Tofu, who did not meow all night and keep me awake, jump on me while I was fast asleep, or put all their weight unexpectedly on my bladder. In fact, I successfully shared a bed with Jasmine for an entire night, and only woke up sneezing because of the cold I already knew I had. It may be that I am no longer allergic to cats; either that, or my current allergy meds are good enough to deal with the allergy. Hooray! 

I currently feel absolutely rotten. While in the US I "accidentally" reduced my Efexor dosage from 112.5 mg to 75 mg per day without passing through 90 mg as intended (went straight from every 16 hours to every 24 hours; couldn't manage to remember every 20 hours). This was fine in Seattle which was having unusually summery weather, and especially in the Bay Area which was glorious (around 30 °C and incredibly sunny). Now I am back home, and it is grey, drizzly and disgusting - under 20 °C, and well and truly autumn. SAD is suddenly kicking my arse, bigtime. I wasn't expecting it this early, and I am completely unprepared.

Also, yes, I've had a cold. I'm pretty certain it isn't the PAX H1N1 because I really haven't been very ill at all by my standards. Didn't have a thermometer to check my temperature while I was away, but I knew I couldn't have much of a fever because I could still think. (My brain gives up entirely once my temperature reaches 37.7 °C or so.) However, I was spacing out badly enough in the airport in Friday that I refused the offer of a hotel room for the night, a business class seat on Saturday and $200 in compensation in exchange for allowing myself to be bumped off the flight, because I just wanted to get back to the land of civilised healthcare asap. Really didn't want to have to have the argument/fight with my travel insurance people about whether a chest infection following a cold would count as a "pre-existing" condition given that I have asthma and get secondary infections after every other cold.

I've had a night of bad breathing, so I'm going to pack myself off to the doctor first thing in the morning. Decided I wasn't ill enough for A&E, but I definitely need to get my lungs listened to. I'm 90% sure I have a chest infection, because my lungs feel full of goo and it's hard to breathe deeply. If I didn't have asthma meds, I'd have been a very unhappy bunny - have been taking double of everything for a week now. It's time for Moar Steroids (UGH).

And I have No Freaking Idea how to fix my jetlag. Normal people can get up early and/or go to bed early, and it fixes itself. With my sleep disorder, I could drag myself out of bed at 6 am, but I won't get tired any earlier. The only sure-fire way to fix it is to stay up later and later, and work round the clock *that* way, but... that's a method for last resort. 

Currently packing bags. Have just failed to check in online owing to the fact it's an international flight (well, duh). *slaps American Airlines about a bit*.

For those who care about my sewing creation: I've fixed the feet by virtue of having unpicked the belly entirely and one seam of each leg. Turns out the feet really did need to go on before the legs were finished. Now it's all working nicely. Shame I can't get it finished before travelling :(

See you on the other side of the Atlantic, soonish.