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baratronThis is my first attempt to write down some thoughts that have been in my head for a while. It may not make a huge amount of sense, and certainly doesn't represent my final conclusion on the matter.
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meirion was noodling in a friends-only post about attraction to people. I commented in reply to that post, but I wanted to say something about it in my own journal too. I suppose the way I see it is that I write things about other people in their journals and about me in my own. Also, this isn't directly relevant to what she said - more of a tangent.
Here follows a list of all of the different ways that I can be attracted to people:
1) Intellectual attraction - when I find someone interesting to talk to, when I am inspired by that person's ideas. I'll actively seek out writing by that person to find out what they're thinking.
2) Emotional attraction - when I find that someone is a good person for me to be around and I'll actively seek them out to spend time with.
3) Physical attraction - when I find someone good-looking in a way that appeals to me personally.
4) Sexual attraction - a more intense version of (3) - perhaps looking at the person makes me feel excited, or smelling their smell percolates my hormones? I think hormones are definitely involved in (4), whereas (5) is purely visual/sensory.
5) Chemistry. I'm not sure what this is. It's something that's present with some people and not with others.
(1) is a form of attraction that I have to everyone whose journals or newsgroup posts I read purely for pleasure rather than for informational purposes. I am certainly intellectually attracted to all of my friends, or else they wouldn't be my friends. (2) likewise.
(3) is different - I don't find all of my friends physically attractive. Some of them are good-looking and some of them aren't. Some of the good-looking ones are good-looking in a way that appeals to my tastes. But I don't actually fancy all of the people that are physically attractive.
I get crushes on people who cause me to have (1), (2) and (3) strongly. I get very strong crushes on people who cause me to experience (1), (2), (3) and (4). Crushes are annoying, because unlike any other kind of relationship they are one-way and un-mutual, and they can get in the way of friendship. I don't like them, but I don't seem to be able to make them go away, so I have to live with them.
Ultimately, though, I think the difference between crush objects and potential partners is that with potential partners, (5) is there. I can't describe what "chemistry" is in this context because it's subjective. All of the other kinds of attraction, (1) to (4) inclusive, can be modified by rational thought. For example, if someone treated me or a friend badly, that could kill my attraction to them. But if there was still chemistry there, the attraction would remain, whatever happened. [I note that the intensely strong chemistry in a relationship I had some years ago is the reason why I would let that person back into my life without a doubt if he decided to make contact with me again. I've only just realised that. Cool.]
I could get into a relationship with someone I had a very strong crush on, provided that the feelings were mutual and we managed to keep things fairly sane and rational. But the only people I'm desperate to get into relationships with are the ones with whom I have strong chemistry. And apart from my existing Relationship, I've only felt that type of connection with one person in the past year or so.
meirion was noodling in a friends-only post about attraction to people. I commented in reply to that post, but I wanted to say something about it in my own journal too. I suppose the way I see it is that I write things about other people in their journals and about me in my own. Also, this isn't directly relevant to what she said - more of a tangent.Here follows a list of all of the different ways that I can be attracted to people:
1) Intellectual attraction - when I find someone interesting to talk to, when I am inspired by that person's ideas. I'll actively seek out writing by that person to find out what they're thinking.
2) Emotional attraction - when I find that someone is a good person for me to be around and I'll actively seek them out to spend time with.
3) Physical attraction - when I find someone good-looking in a way that appeals to me personally.
4) Sexual attraction - a more intense version of (3) - perhaps looking at the person makes me feel excited, or smelling their smell percolates my hormones? I think hormones are definitely involved in (4), whereas (5) is purely visual/sensory.
5) Chemistry. I'm not sure what this is. It's something that's present with some people and not with others.
(1) is a form of attraction that I have to everyone whose journals or newsgroup posts I read purely for pleasure rather than for informational purposes. I am certainly intellectually attracted to all of my friends, or else they wouldn't be my friends. (2) likewise.
(3) is different - I don't find all of my friends physically attractive. Some of them are good-looking and some of them aren't. Some of the good-looking ones are good-looking in a way that appeals to my tastes. But I don't actually fancy all of the people that are physically attractive.
I get crushes on people who cause me to have (1), (2) and (3) strongly. I get very strong crushes on people who cause me to experience (1), (2), (3) and (4). Crushes are annoying, because unlike any other kind of relationship they are one-way and un-mutual, and they can get in the way of friendship. I don't like them, but I don't seem to be able to make them go away, so I have to live with them.
Ultimately, though, I think the difference between crush objects and potential partners is that with potential partners, (5) is there. I can't describe what "chemistry" is in this context because it's subjective. All of the other kinds of attraction, (1) to (4) inclusive, can be modified by rational thought. For example, if someone treated me or a friend badly, that could kill my attraction to them. But if there was still chemistry there, the attraction would remain, whatever happened. [I note that the intensely strong chemistry in a relationship I had some years ago is the reason why I would let that person back into my life without a doubt if he decided to make contact with me again. I've only just realised that. Cool.]
I could get into a relationship with someone I had a very strong crush on, provided that the feelings were mutual and we managed to keep things fairly sane and rational. But the only people I'm desperate to get into relationships with are the ones with whom I have strong chemistry. And apart from my existing Relationship, I've only felt that type of connection with one person in the past year or so.
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no subject
Date: 2001-07-12 04:41 am (UTC)I find crushes are most annoying when they *are* mutual. Especially when both parties know that there are good reasons not to do anything about it. I have that particular situation with Tom at the moment, in that we both fancy the pants off each other, but it couldn't possibly work as a relationship for several reasons. One is because he lives near Swindon, and neither of us is prepared to have a long distance relationship. Another is because we only started talking to each other in depth because I discovered he was suffering from suicidal feelings, and as I have been through that and come out the other side, I am an ideal person for him to talk to, because I understand. We've had very similar experiences. But it's not a good place to start a relationship as it would be too much of a risk to his mental health (and therefore potentially to mine as well).
One way crushes are better. Although they are frustrating, they are also nice because you never have to worry about the reality of forming a relationship - they can exist in your fantasy and can be really nice. You do have to be wary about it affecting your friendship, as you said, but that's not so hard.
But if there was still chemistry there, the attraction would remain, whatever happened.
That can be a dangerous thing, I think. Where there has been that kind of chemistry in a relationship I've had, if things were good and it didn't end badly, then it's great, because you can usually become good friends. But if it was a bad relationship, I think the chemistry can be destructive - it's too easy to keep going back, and it is a lot harder to break out of destructive cycles.
no subject
Date: 2001-07-12 07:19 am (UTC)I was chemically very attracted to someone for ages - and I can't imagine anyone would find him physically attractive! But there was something about his pheromones....
Also... Sometimes you can start of being attracted to someone in one way, and grow to be attracted to them in other ways. The more you love someone, the more phsyically attractive they become.
no subject
That's definitely true. I found that with Richard. Also, I've noticed that when I split up with someone on bad terms, I look at them afterwards and think "why did I find you attractive?". But when it's an amicable split, I don't have that happen.