on medication and closets

[baratron]

I don't like taking something that's identifiable as a psychiatric drug in front of other people. Is that weird?

I'll happily take vitamin pills or painkillers or any normal over-the-counter medicine in front of anyone at all. I have no shame in needing any of those things, and pretty much everyone takes painkillers sometimes. I'll take asthma inhalers in front of other people if I have to, although I prefer not to because a) people give you funny looks if your inhaler is anything other than the regular blue aerosol Ventolin, b) people ask if you're ok and start acting like they should be calling ambulances and things. But when it comes to psychiatric medicines, I get all cagey and secretive.

Why does it matter? I dunno. I just don't want people to think less of me for knowing that I can't do without a crutch to regulate my emotions. Believe me, I've tried - but after three (or four) major depressive episodes (I can't count them anymore), it's Just Not A Good Idea, ok. I think I'm doing well to "only" need a cocktail of antidepressants and vitamin pills, and not needing the antipsychotics or anxiety meds I've had to take in the past. And hell, I'm holding down a "proper" job, of sorts.

Why do I care that someone I know but don't know well might see me taking a tablet and recognise the name of it and jump to conclusions? Dunno. Because mental illness is still so stigmatised? But aren't I contributing to that stigma by not being open about it?

I dunno. I try my best to be open about things, but am still closeted about everything. I challenge homophobia and bigotry when I hear students saying stupid things, but without revealing why it bothers me so much. I make sure that my bright students know just how common moderate to severe depression is among bright young people at university, and how useless many GPs are at dealing with it. But I don't tell them of my own personal experience with these things, in case they or their parents think less of me for it.

Comments

[mhw.livejournal.com]

No, I don't think it's weird. Yes, you could argue (in the classic "against the closet" arguments) that by not being out you reinforce the stigma, but firstly I think that it's at most a very weak kind of reinforcement, and secondly it's the very nature of depression that it saps the kind of strength that's necessary to overcome closets. Blaming you for not feeling able to be out about your depression is like blaming someone with a twisted ankle for limping.

But I don't tell them of my own personal experience with these things, in case they or their parents think less of me for it.

Of course it's impossible to be sure of what people think, but I've never noticed someone react adversely when I've told them that I have depression — I'm excepting "the wrong kind of sympathy", because that's meant well, of course, even if it can be profoundly irritating. Even if a few people may still sometimes think "if you'd just pull yourself together..." as I suppose some must, they generally don't say anything, and I suspect that most people have someone close to them, either family or friends, with depression and know how how awful it is and that it's not a matter of spinelessness or bad attitude. They're more likely to respect you for your honesty than anything else, in my experience.

Also, there's the fact that the opinion of anyone so foolish as to think less of you for it is hardly worth wanting...

[epi-lj.livejournal.com]

Pathetic revelation about me: I am strongly avoidant of taking anything that's been linked (even if it was just in the media or in scam studies) with obesity in front of other people. At this time, I am on no such medications, but I used to not like using my puffer in public back when I had asthma. If I had diabetes, I would probably not want to take anything related to it in public. Today I was sugar crashing but knew I would be cooking dinner soon, so I grabbed a chocolate bar (the only thing available). I made sure to eat it before I came in view of the bus stop so people wouldn't see me eating it.

[esbat.livejournal.com]

I don't think it's unreasonable or weird. The modern equivalent of sticks and stones is getting fired or being denied access to certain things and it does hurt. If your students knew that you suffered from depression, some of them might decide to find a new tutor because they couldn't deal with it, or because their parents were worried, etc. Probably not likely, but possible. With the other students on the course, I'm open about many things in my past, but I just know it's going to come back and bite me in the ass some day. Every so often I get scared and start wishing I could take it all back and have people not know anything. I still don't know what approach is best in the long run.

[judiff]

people mostly don't ask what the pills i'm taking in front of them are/are for (mostly for ibs becos i have to take that before eating but anti-depressants are just once a day).