bak 2 skool

[baratron]

For anyone who's behind with my journal: So, this academic year I am going to Birkbeck College to do a Graduate Diploma in Chemistry. You can take this over one year or two, but what I'm doing is taking all of the Final Year undergraduate courses along with the current UGs. This mostly works, as most of the modules I'd want to do are being offered this year.

Yesterday was my first official evening at college – a lecture on Transition Metal chemistry. People online asked me how it went and my only reply was "Still processing". I think there were 25 people in the class – a mixture of 3rd and 4th years plus one other Graduate Diploma person. The lecture was revision of the material covered in their 2nd year class, and it was strange. It seems that no one else in the class seemed terribly familiar with the concepts I know well, including some basic A-level work on electronic arrangements and crystal field theory, while they were all extremely familiar with concepts I'm shaky on, like quantum mechanics. It also seems that the way they were taught quantum mechanics is entirely different to how I was; they've been taught qualitatively, so they understand what the various quantum numbers MEAN in WORDS and PICTURES, whereas I was taught horrendously quantitatively, with difficult differential equations all over the place in lieu of any actual meaning. I feel... somewhat jealous of them. Having a qualitative word and picture model is vastly helpful in understanding the mathematical model, otherwise you end up with equation after equation with miracles occurring to turn one into the next. So... I'm going to have to get hold of some of the 2nd year Physical Chemistry course notes.

The actual lecture seemed ok, the homework is easy. I'm not sure how long it'll take to write up the notes in neat, but I know I need to do that NOW rather than waiting several weeks so that I forget what everything meant. (Never learnt this during my previous university study, know it only too well now!). I'm currently not taking on any more students so I can see whether I have spare time to teach more people or if all my remaining time is used on studying. Uncertain which will be the case once we're getting proper homework that is actually difficult.

But I am really rather annoyed with some of the other students. Birkbeck is a college for "mature students" - meaning "aged over 21". I had been hoping it would also carry the other meaning of "mature", but apparently not. So far I have been to college twice – once for the induction evening, and again for the first lecture – and so far I have been asked idiotic questions about my most visible disability twice. In fact the same actual question by two different people! And not only that, it might well be the first time I've ever even heard this idiotic question about my disability!

It is... "Is that yours?", in reference to the walking stick which I am both carrying and using.

What are they expecting me to say? "No, I stole it from my granny"? (That would explain why it is made of fluorescent blue transparent plastic, yes.) Or "No, I'm just carrying it for a friend"? It's such a stupid question that the only way to answer it is with a simple "Yes". But that prompts the further idiotic question "Why do you have it?".

I hate that question.

I happen to know that the correct answer is "I was bitten by a Sphinx for asking impertinent questions" (copyright elisem), but neither of the recent askers gave me the impression that they'd even know what a Sphinx was. I ended up looking at them somewhat baffled. Richard thinks that I should have said "It's a walking stick, for walking. Did you forget to bring your thinking stick?", but I don't have the ability to be that rude to someone I've never met before.

The fact is that in most contexts, asking someone you've just met why they need a particular accessibility device is offensive. There are cases when it might be acceptable, but these mostly occur if you yourself are also using an accessibility device.

Firstly, it's offensive because it's asking about something rather personal, which is entirely inappropriate as a first or second question to someone you're meeting for the first time. Essentially, you're asking me about the state of my body underneath my clothes - which is not something that most people want to discuss with strangers! The analogy I've heard is "Do you know me well enough to ask about my underwear?". If I've just met you, the answer is clearly "No". If I've known you for years, you probably know all about my underwear and disabilities already.

Secondly, it's offensive because you're asking me to justify what is different about me that I need an adaptation. It's a totally ableist idea: normal people don't need adaptations, so you must be abnormal. I subscribe to the social model of disability: all of us have different needs, and people are disabled by the lack of suitable adaptations. Why is it any of your damn business why my needs are different to yours?

Thirdly, it's offensive because you clearly haven't bothered to engage your brain before speaking. Would you need to ask a person wearing glasses why they were wearing glasses? No, because you know that glasses are used to improve eyesight. In the same way, I expect you know that a walking stick is used to help someone walk better - yet for some reason, you feel the need to ask me about it. Why? How is it any different?

Fourthly, it's especially offensive if you are asking a young, healthy-looking person why they need the device. This is because a lot of people still assume that all disabled people are visibly "crippled" or "retarded". If you look normal, you can't possibly be disabled, because that's not how it works, is it? So if you are young and/or invisibly disabled, it's likely that some of the people who have asked that question in the past have done so in a disbelieving sort of way - perhaps accusing you of faking your need to get attention? Or at least, accusing you of exaggerating your need. This means that if you are a person asking that question, it's likely that the invisibly disabled person will remember bad things that have been said to them in the past and so "hear" a tone of accusation that you may not intend.

The thing I find most interesting is that most of the people who've asked me variants of "Why do you have a walking stick?" don't manage to use the words "walking stick" or "cane" - as if they are too embarrassed to say the word. It's bizarre. Does the fact that you're embarrassed to ask me the question not clue you in to the idea that it might be too personal a question to ask?

So I'm having a certain amount of culture shock. In my social circles, people wouldn't generally ask a question like that because they'd already know it was rude. In past studying environments, fellow students have either carefully not noticed, or waited until they knew me much better before asking - and asked much clearer questions. "Do you always have to use a stick?" and "Is your disability temporary or permanent?" are personal questions that nonetheless, I respond to much better; as they imply a certain amount of thought.

Comments

[redbird]

About the only question I can see as reasonable on first meeting, in that context, would be "Hey, where did you find a walking stick in translucent blue?" That's not about why you use the stick, and it suggests that the asker either might need one themself some days, or is close to someone who uses a walking stick and might like that design.

I wonder if "it's really a secret weapon" would be a reasonable way of signalling "I don't intend to answer that because it's a prying question" without being as blatant as "what color is your underwear?" or "why on earth do you think that's an appropriate question?"

[jinian.livejournal.com]

I know nothing of your underwears!

My experience at the community college got me some clueless responses to disability, too. I may have hurt your cause here by not really minding being asked why I had my cane.

[hobbitbabe.livejournal.com]

I wish I had a qualitative understanding of quantum mechanics, too. I hope you find it luxurious to be able to learn things with someone else doing the work of presenting them. I remember loving that about going back to grad school after some years away.

Yeah, good call about not taking new students for a while. Wait and see how much of your time and energy it takes to go to college, not just the parts about homework but the parts about non-mature students etc.

I really look forward to hearing more about it. Even about transition-metal chemistry.

[mjl]

Well, I'd hope that stupid questions like "Is that yours?" are to some extent intended to imply better questions like "Is your disability temporary or permanent?" or even "Should I be offering you assistance with some things?", and so I suppose what they are hoping for is that you will answer those questions without them having to ask. But the fact that they are finding it awkward to ask should indeed cause them to wonder if it is appropriate to be asking...

If I didn't know you and read your LJ (and also have acquired some understanding by working in the voluntary sector...), I'm not sure I'd be much less ignorant than those people... although I would default to ignoring rather than asking silly questions. But on the other hand I guess you can go too far with the ignoring and fail to offer assistance when it would actually be appreciated, or ignore the person with the disability rather than ignoring the disability. Given that a basic understanding of what is and is not a good way of communicating with someone with a (visible) disability takes about 5 minutes to gain, you'd hope more people would have picked up that basic understanding and awareness from somewhere...

"I was bitten by a Sphinx for asking impertinent questions" is cool, but I can see that they might not get it. Being intentionally rude back to someone who is unintentionally rude might well be justified, but I'm not sure it would get them to be less rude in future, and if anything might reinforce whatever negative perceptions they have of people with disabilities... I like redbird's "It's really a secret weapon" which I think would get across the point that you didn't want to be asked the question and aren't going to answer, while still leaving them able to escape from the situation and talk to you about something else...

Certainly seems wise to wait and see how it goes before taking on more students, but I would suspect that you won't find the course difficult, except for complications caused by being one of only 2 people starting from a different basis...

Hrm... somehow that turned into a really long comment...

[mjl]

Oh, and...

"Would you need to ask a person wearing glasses why they were wearing glasses? No"

I have indeed been asked silly questions about wearing glasses by relative strangers, including why I wear glasses instead of contact lenses, whether I need them to be able to see stuff, whether I am long or short sighted. I'm sure silly questions happen less with glasses than with walking sticks, as more people are familiar with them, but I think it's a matter of degrees of familiarity rather than any realisation about the appropriateness or relevance of the questions...

[ailbhe]

I *have* stopped people in the street to say "That is SUCH a cool walking stick," but never "Why do you have such a cool walking stick?"

And I feel slighted now, because I know nothing of your underwear.

Though rather a lot about your washable sanitary pads, so perhaps that counts?

[nitoda]

.

[thekumquat.livejournal.com]

ooh, transition metals! [geek]

i think miss manners' recommendation is to say 'why do you ask?' in a polite tone.
i didn't really have any stupid comments about my stick - one stranger guy asked 'cool stick, where did you get it?' and i thought it was a skeezy chatup line (given it's a most uncool stick), but then i saw he had a stick himself.

the wheelchair got some odd respomses. at least only one at bicon where someone adopted the Special Caring voice and went O-oh! you're in a wheelchair!! given the person is a moron anway i managed not to say 'no shit' and just replied 'yes' in the same tone. one other person did ask what was up seeing as i'd looked ok last year, but it turned out a family member newly diagnosed with ms was on their mind and they really needed to talk - they got the rant copyright my mum on how ms isn't usually a death sentence...

[firecat]

Miss Manners recommends saying "I would prefer not to discuss it." IMO, if you respond with "Why do you ask?" then you appear to be inviting a discussion.

[36.livejournal.com]

Literal answer: "to walk"
Polite answer: "why do you ask?"
Direct answer: "none of your business"

At least you don't have to use crutches for your impairment, that tends to get complete strangers thinking they can make a huge joke about how you're gone an injured yourself 'what've you gone and done to yourself?!' etc then crippling embarrisment when you eventually explain you're permanently disabled and haven't done anything thank you.

Oh and the other one is hilarious jokes about how tall you are when you go to an event without a wheelchair when you previously used one.

BBC Ouch had a whole list at some point of cringeworthy things ignorant/thoughtless/assumptive temporarily able bodied people say and do around disabled people...

[leback.livejournal.com]

This is a *great* explanation of why that question is inappropriate. Thank you.

I do recall wondering about the stick when I first met you. I used to do a fair bit of hiking, and I'd gathered walking sticks of various sorts were a trendy accessory iamong avid fitness walkers/hikers -- reduce the impact on the joints from a long trek, provide more exercise for the arms... So I didn't know whether your stick was more likely to mean that you used it as a mobility aid for an impairment, or that you were a fitness-walking enthusiast. Either possibility was intriguing, since I (a) was thinking a lot about mobility aids (for my knees) at that time, and (b) had been an enthusiastic hiker not long before.

But that didn't mean I was going to ask. I figured if the stick was hobby-related, that could come up otherwise; and if it was disability-related, however interested I might be in the topic, the particulars of your situation and experience were none of my business. (I'm not sure if there *could* have been a polite way of saying "Hey, I've been experimenting with crutches and walking sticks myself lately; do you like that one?" -- but even if so, I don't trust my own social skills enough to attempt something so delicate.)

I think I did wind up complimenting you on the walking stick, because it was strikingly pretty and also appeared to be of notably high quality. (These impressions may also have been enhanced by my more general perceptions of your shininess right then. :-)) I'm not actually sure whether that was rude -- I suppose it might have come off as either thinly-veiled nosiness, or else the "Hey, check out how not-uncomfortable with your disability I am!" thing that people often do when they're uncomfortable with someone's disability. If it was inappropriate, I'm sorry about that.

[baratron.livejournal.com]

I am happy with comments about how the stick looks awesome. Being a geek, I take those at face value as long as the tone of voice isn't nasty. The plastic makes great patterns in direct sunlight, and fluoresces under UV. What's not to like? :)

I'm not sure if there *could* have been a polite way of saying "Hey, I've been experimenting with crutches and walking sticks myself lately; do you like that one?".

I'm not sure either. I think there is a way, but you'd probably have to get a bit more acquainted with someone first. Not the first question, anyway :D

Am I shiny? Ooo.

[judiff]

i get asked about my tinted glasses a big lot

[firecat]

I definitely agree with you about all the reasons that the question is intrusive and inappropriate.

Miss Manners aside, I think I might be inclined to respond to "Why do you have it?" with "It helps me walk."

[baratron.livejournal.com]

Remarkably similar to what I was thinking, yes. It answers the question in a polite manner without immediately inviting a further question.

[rowan-leigh.livejournal.com]

I don't remember exactly how I was approached by a wuzzie unknown to me at Southampton Central Station when I was standing with my folding walking stick that has since been apparently taken by the pixies, but I do know that I didn't mind at all - perhaps I am too nice, but I don't think that's the reason in this case. The questions he asked were mostly about the physical properties of the stick though, and about what I used it for rather than what physical problems caused me to use it, which type of question I do detest - I think the chap was interested in getting one like it himself for hobbyist purposes.