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baratronCurrently having incredibly rapid-cycling mood swings. Up and down like a freaking yoyo. Case in point: yesterday at 3.30 pm I was lying in bed, feeling miserable and confused from bad dreams, and in a lot of pain from thrashing around in my sleep. Yesterday at 7.30 pm I was bouncing around the room to loud music, too hysterically crazy to do anything useful. Then I crashed in a giddy, exhausted heap.
Some kind of mood regulation system would be nice. I believe that normal people are fitted with one by default. Somehow I missed out on that, along with several other features which most of you can take for granted. It wouldn't be so bad if I could get any of my own work done - if the downs weren't so low that I can't function mentally or physically, and the ups weren't so high that I might as well be drunk. But the couple of hours of relative normality seem to fit with the couple of hours when I have to see students, and by the time I'm done with them I'm so very hyper that I can't sit still or concentrate.
I have decided to increase the amount of carbamazepine I take to 400 mg per day. This is what I was supposed to be working up to, anyway, although I seem to remember the instructions involved getting to 400 mg of CBZ and then starting to reduce the venlafaxine. Ah ha ha, like that's a possibility in my current state of anxiety. I'm sure that the week-long migraine and brain freezes would help tremendously with exam revision. I'm already losing words every couple of sentences.
[1] I know what both those words mean. But I'm not sure which is more scary: the lowest low or the highest high. They're both terrifying for different reasons. Wheeeeee *splat*.
Some kind of mood regulation system would be nice. I believe that normal people are fitted with one by default. Somehow I missed out on that, along with several other features which most of you can take for granted. It wouldn't be so bad if I could get any of my own work done - if the downs weren't so low that I can't function mentally or physically, and the ups weren't so high that I might as well be drunk. But the couple of hours of relative normality seem to fit with the couple of hours when I have to see students, and by the time I'm done with them I'm so very hyper that I can't sit still or concentrate.
I have decided to increase the amount of carbamazepine I take to 400 mg per day. This is what I was supposed to be working up to, anyway, although I seem to remember the instructions involved getting to 400 mg of CBZ and then starting to reduce the venlafaxine. Ah ha ha, like that's a possibility in my current state of anxiety. I'm sure that the week-long migraine and brain freezes would help tremendously with exam revision. I'm already losing words every couple of sentences.
[1] I know what both those words mean. But I'm not sure which is more scary: the lowest low or the highest high. They're both terrifying for different reasons. Wheeeeee *splat*.
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Date: 2009-05-02 04:59 pm (UTC)I dunno, I've never been very happy with the mechanistic, brain-chemical model of this stuff. Normal people know how to feel about the stuff that happens to them, and folks like me and you have things happen to us where we can't decide how we feel about it.
That *could* be a breakdown in the way we decide how to feel about things, but it also could represent a category of experience for which no human values have been decided upon yet.
Mostly this relates to my religious experiences. I'm still just as technically-minded, rational science based as ever, but this religious epiphany I'm having blows out all my usual gauges. If my body were at the bottom of the ocean or on the surface of the moon, it would be confused. Maybe my mind is in a similar improbable place. That doesn't mean I'm mad, it just means my reality is different.
I'm sorry, the expected words for your situation are, "there there, try not to worry too much, and don't make me uncomfortable with your ranting" But having gone through enough medical brainwashing to zombify anybody, I still think this is an opportunity that's hard to exploit, rather than a disability that's hard to overcome.
I am hoping for the best for you.