Online agoraphobia.
Feb. 27th, 2002 01:01 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
baratronI've hardly been online in the last 10 days or so. Haven't written anything in my journal for ages again, and I haven't been reading anyone else's either. I haven't even been reading email. If you've been trying to get in contact with me by some online means, I'm sorry. Please don't feel neglected - I don't mean to avoid anyone. But I just don't feel like being online.
I logged onto irc this evening for a while, and could only stay about half an hour. I felt myself going the way I do when I get agoraphobia - wanting to just hide and retreat and withdraw. I realise now I've been feeling increasingly like this online for a number of months. It seems crazy that the online world of newsgroups, talkers and irc - the place I've always retreated to when I haven't felt up to socialising in person - has itself become too scary to deal with. How can I feel anxious about "socialising" when I'm sitting in my own room with my own stuff all around me? It doesn't make any sense.
If I lose online media as a way of keeping in touch with people, I'm going to completely lose a large number of my friends. As it is, I was thinking only a couple of days ago how I used to have loads of friends, and now I only seem to see my closest friends. Because I hardly ever feel like going out, and people don't seem to want to visit me at home, I just don't see people. Also, I need to force myself into keeping a mood diary. As I know people don't want to know all the ins and outs of my depressive states, I can write it in livejournal as private entries. But I do have to keep it. Some time ago,![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
lilfurrydan told me about a friend of his who was seeing a doctor who specialised in female depression caused by hormones. Mine is so so clearly linked to my hormones - but before I can get referred to a specialist I need to be able to prove this with a proper, detailed diary going over a number of months. I'm not going to get the right treatment until I can provide that, and I'm not going to be able to provide that until I can force myself into writing a journal.
I logged onto irc this evening for a while, and could only stay about half an hour. I felt myself going the way I do when I get agoraphobia - wanting to just hide and retreat and withdraw. I realise now I've been feeling increasingly like this online for a number of months. It seems crazy that the online world of newsgroups, talkers and irc - the place I've always retreated to when I haven't felt up to socialising in person - has itself become too scary to deal with. How can I feel anxious about "socialising" when I'm sitting in my own room with my own stuff all around me? It doesn't make any sense.
If I lose online media as a way of keeping in touch with people, I'm going to completely lose a large number of my friends. As it is, I was thinking only a couple of days ago how I used to have loads of friends, and now I only seem to see my closest friends. Because I hardly ever feel like going out, and people don't seem to want to visit me at home, I just don't see people. Also, I need to force myself into keeping a mood diary. As I know people don't want to know all the ins and outs of my depressive states, I can write it in livejournal as private entries. But I do have to keep it. Some time ago,
lilfurrydan told me about a friend of his who was seeing a doctor who specialised in female depression caused by hormones. Mine is so so clearly linked to my hormones - but before I can get referred to a specialist I need to be able to prove this with a proper, detailed diary going over a number of months. I'm not going to get the right treatment until I can provide that, and I'm not going to be able to provide that until I can force myself into writing a journal.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
no subject
Date: 2002-02-27 02:01 am (UTC)Would LJ serve as a good excuse for a mood diary? Half its users seem to do that, more or less...
no subject
Date: 2002-02-27 02:10 am (UTC)And I can definitely relate to hormonal depression ick...
no subject
Date: 2002-02-27 03:23 am (UTC)Hormonal stuff is very depressing - my dependence on oestrogen sometimes frightens me.
Big HUGS - hope you feel a bit better by now.
no subject
Date: 2002-02-27 09:21 am (UTC)btw hope bank stuff is as sorted as it seemed to be when i last saw you...
no subject
Date: 2002-02-27 10:06 am (UTC)pondering.
Date: 2002-02-27 05:06 pm (UTC)I guess this comes down to the fact that logging on dose not requier going on to IRC. Talkers/mucks seem to offer more control and email and live journal alow you something even more useful, Thinking time. The ability to take things at your own pace with nobody waiting for you to hit return. Worst comes to worst, you have my number.
*Huggs*