Why me? Why now?
Jun. 28th, 2012 09:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
baratronGods. Had a massive, massive mood crash 2 nights ago. Didn't realise it at the time, was just aware that suddenly I had no concentration span and couldn't concentrate on my work any more. Spent the rest of the night looking at the internet before collapsing into bed.
Yesterday, I couldn't even start work because I was so distracted and tearful.
Today I have woken up still tearful, but with the knowledge that I've only got a week to get this fucking report done, with no chance of an extension. The Graduate Committee have made it very clear that it doesn't matter if I'm ill, I still have to get it done - since I've already had 2 extensions. (Although I didn't ask for the first extension, they just gave it to me, so I'm sure that shouldn't count). This may be in breach of disability discrimination laws, but I certainly don't have any spare spoons for looking them up, and too much College policy is internal to departments rather than publicly searchable.
I don't know why I'm depressed. I've been taking all my meds and vitamins as usual. It's the summer, which is usually easier for me. The only thing I can actually pin it on is that in trying to do as much work as possible, which has ended up ~ 30 hours of work per week, I've already made myself ill with mystery lurgy (which I still have - please fuck off, snot from hell), and that sitting here at my desk for hours on end eating poorly because I don't have time or spoons to make myself "proper" food isn't doing me any good. Apparently I can do something like 20-24 hours of work a week before I get sick. More than that, and work cuts into the time I need for looking after myself.
I really have no idea what to do at this point. Just need to fight the depression and try to get SOMETHING done, I suppose.
Good thoughts appreciated. (*hugs* and blank comments are fine if you lack coherent words). If you must give me advice, think carefully about wording because I'm not in a hugely good state to hear it.
Yesterday, I couldn't even start work because I was so distracted and tearful.
Today I have woken up still tearful, but with the knowledge that I've only got a week to get this fucking report done, with no chance of an extension. The Graduate Committee have made it very clear that it doesn't matter if I'm ill, I still have to get it done - since I've already had 2 extensions. (Although I didn't ask for the first extension, they just gave it to me, so I'm sure that shouldn't count). This may be in breach of disability discrimination laws, but I certainly don't have any spare spoons for looking them up, and too much College policy is internal to departments rather than publicly searchable.
I don't know why I'm depressed. I've been taking all my meds and vitamins as usual. It's the summer, which is usually easier for me. The only thing I can actually pin it on is that in trying to do as much work as possible, which has ended up ~ 30 hours of work per week, I've already made myself ill with mystery lurgy (which I still have - please fuck off, snot from hell), and that sitting here at my desk for hours on end eating poorly because I don't have time or spoons to make myself "proper" food isn't doing me any good. Apparently I can do something like 20-24 hours of work a week before I get sick. More than that, and work cuts into the time I need for looking after myself.
I really have no idea what to do at this point. Just need to fight the depression and try to get SOMETHING done, I suppose.
Good thoughts appreciated. (*hugs* and blank comments are fine if you lack coherent words). If you must give me advice, think carefully about wording because I'm not in a hugely good state to hear it.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2012-06-28 09:10 pm (UTC)Email or phone Mark? (he should be back from conference, he was on form with his usual intelligence and thoughtfulness on Tues altho I didn't get to speak to him personally ;) )
It's not reasonable in my not so humble opinion to be working yourself to the point of making yourself ill.
I'm sorry things are shit, you are good and not shit, you are doing very hard work under difficult circs. Offers *hugs*.
no subject
Date: 2012-06-28 09:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-06-28 09:41 pm (UTC)and for a later date a freedom of information application?
no subject
Date: 2012-06-28 10:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-06-29 01:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-06-29 03:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-06-29 05:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-06-29 09:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-06-29 10:14 am (UTC)I have had a bit of that lately and it sucks. Sometimes it works a bit to do A Thing however small and then congratulate myself. Or get a cuddly toy to congratulate me if I can't manage it for myself...
no subject
Date: 2012-06-29 12:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-06-29 12:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-06-29 09:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-07-01 12:15 pm (UTC)