noodlings about polyamory and orientation.

[baratron]

Polyamory is very much part of my sexual orientation. Since acknowledging a desire for poly in myself I could never again have a monogamous relationship. However, I would argue strongly that polyamory is not just an aspect of sexuality.

Although there are parts of polyamory that are obviously sexual, such as people choosing to have sex in groups of three or more rather than the "usual" two, polyamory for me is about family, rather than sexuality or sexual behaviour. My family-of-choice are the people that I enjoy spending time with and choose to be around. The core of my family consists of my partners, my partners' partners, my gay best friend and his boyfriend. They are the people I love.

Now, my gay best friend and his boyfriend are fiercely monogamous. Neither of them are going to have capital-R relationships with anyone apart from each other. But they are very much part of my family unit. For me, being poly is about extending connections. So my gay best friend's boyfriend became part of my family because he is a loved one of someone I love, and over time, he became important to me for himself. Likewise, even though I hardly know my girlfriend's husband, he is part of my family through our shared partner.

Very few of the people in my family-of-choice are people that I'd ever be sexual with, even if I did have a normal sex drive. Yes, being poly means that I get to have sex with a cute boy and a cute girl and no one minds about that too much. But more important to me, being poly means that I bake cakes for my girlfriend's girlfriend, have a toy otter left on my sofa, cuddle two people when watching TV, and sit by myself with a book because my boyfriend and girlfriend (who aren't involved with each other) want to talk about stuff too geeky for me.

I suppose what I'm saying is that although polyamory is part of my sexual orientation, it's a much bigger part of my relationship orientation. And I spend a lot more time having relationships with people than I do having sex with people. Pretty much all of my non-family-of-birth relationships are strongly governed by principles that come from my polyamory. (And thinking about it, maybe that's why my family-of-birth relationships bother me so much).

Comments

[kiya]

As time goes by, I find I'm more and more dubious about the idea that "sexual orientation", "relationship orientation", and even, to some extent, various identifications (such as gender identification) can be said to be meaningfully separable as a general case. It's all a big . . . thing. Tangly. Some people may have some threads that don't connect up to each other, but as a generalization it's a whole big lumpy . . . thing.

Thing, thing, thing. Look at my stunning linguistic capabilities!

Gotta chew on that geekcode variant now. . . .

[taimatsu]

Hello. No, you don't know me.

I just happened on this semi-randomly, and it prodded some things I've been thinking about myself recently - and for the last couple of years. I'm not poly, but I'm interested in the subject, since one of my exes is, and, in fact, the reason we split up was because I couldn't cope with that. I see your point about relationship orientation; could it be summarised as wanting to have close, intimate family-type relationships with a number of people, whether or not sex is involved?

If so, I feel that way too; if polyamory can be expanded to 'loving more than one', how's that any different from any other group of very close friends, if the sex is incidental?

The thing I can't get my head round is - well, on reflection I don't know. I have experienced sexual desire for more than one person at once. I can appreciate the need to be able to share some of the most imporant aspects of oneself with more than one person. I can agree that having one person be all-in-all in your life could be unhealthy. But I can't quite make the leap; I don't seem to actually *fall in love* (if that means anything) with more than one person at a time.

The reason it matters, and the reason I can't just let it go, is that I still care very much about said ex, and because I can't understand it, the whole situation feels irrational and unfair. ('If she loves me, the way I love her, why *can't* she give up these other people? That's how love works for *me*.') There are other aspects of it, like timing, and exactly who did what when, that make it harder to deal with, but the bottom line is, she's unable to have a relationship with me because of something that makes *no sense* to me, feels like selfishness, and doesn't seem to be making her happy anyway.

Tchah. Just the way things go, I expect. I thought after two years it'd have dulled a bit. Sorry to ramble like this - you just struck a chord.

Lx

[hoopycat.livejournal.com]

Well, you're apparently a friend of Kay. Close enough. :-)

In general, things take time... we never stop adapting, never stop figuring out precisely what we dig, enjoy, etc. I'm still not even sure I'm poly, but chances are I am, because I think I might be, and at this point, I figure the best way is to assume I am until proven otherwise, because I have poly tendencies. (I've had good luck with this procedure.)

Sometimes, relationships end... human mating rituals are very much a trial-and-error thing, and unfortunately, we have these damned emotions things and get attached to people as something more than places to productively stash sperm. But, that happens, and here we are.

So, unknown visitor from the east, I'm not entirely sure what I'm trying to say, aside from sometimes things don't work out... and the best you can do is make the best of it, and move on. This may take a long time. But that's OK.

OK, ignore me, I just babble a lot when it's humid :-) -rt

[baratron.livejournal.com]

Thanks for commenting. Sorry I've taken so long to get back to you - been a bit self-absorbed recently.

I don't really have very much to add - the only thing is what you said about "falling in love". I... have always been in love with more than one person at a time. At the moment, as well as my two current partners I also still feel in love with three of my exes. Maybe I don't love who they are now, but I still love who they were at the time we were involved. This quote (http://www.helen-louise.net/justme/index10.html) sums it up perfectly.

I can't explain how it is that I am able to love and be "in love" with so many people at the same time. I think that while it's possible for anyone to understand intellectually the reasons why some people would choose to be poly, it's much harder to understand emotionally. I can't imagine what it would be like to only love one person, because I've never been in that situation. Even when I was much younger and not innocent so much as hopelessly naive, and I thought I would marry the first person I ever had sex with, I loved other people. I thought everyone had those feelings, and the other people I knew were just better at controlling them.

[taimatsu]

*nod* I do see what you mean (and thanks for responding!). So, I guess she and I are just never going to even *understand* each other, let alone actually get it together.

Ugh; what can one do when one person who's poly, and one who isn't, fall in love? *sigh*

Lx

[otterylexa.livejournal.com]

I like this noodling.
Apart from that, I have no content.

Alexa's husband

[rowan-leigh.livejournal.com]

I have to say, if you want to know me better, why not read my journal?

[baratron.livejournal.com]

Ah, last time I looked, it seemed that you weren't going to use livejournal as a regular diary. I know you have a public diary on mono, but I simply don't have time to go there (that's why I don't read newsgroups any more - 2 hours reading lj seems to be quicker than half an hour of lj, half an hour of email and an hour of newsgroups. Must be greater time efficiency - less time switching windows? Dunno).

Now I know you're going to be around here, I'll add you to my friends list.

[ergotia.livejournal.com]

Love is great and loving more than one is great and I dont really disagree with anything you say BUT......this kind of stuff sounds so apologist sometimes! For some of us poly is slutting about but with ethics, and what is wrong with that ? :)

[baratron.livejournal.com]

Nothing at all! I'd love to be more slutty myself - but these days I have virtually no sex drive most of the time. As Richard is firmly mono I feel vaguely responsible for making sure he gets some sex, and that's about all I want.

My lack of sex drive is almost certainly biochemical in nature, and probably related to one or more of the meds I'm on - but not being ill is more important to me than having a sex drive. My priorities will change, but for the moment I'm happy with the balance.