Lies of Adulthood

[baratron]

Oh yeah. This is unrelated to my previous entry except that it was one of the things we were talking about: Great Myths of Adulthood.

One of the ones that I remember vividly is being told as a teenager that "crushes" on people were a normal part of adolescence (ok so far), but also something you grow out of when you start having "proper", "adult" relationships. Now, I dunno about anyone else, but I consider this one of the biggest lies I was ever told. It bothers me far worse than Santa Claus or anything like that, because it did me actual harm. According to the lie, as soon as I became an adult and started having proper reciprocated relationships, I'd stop having random feelings for people I didn't necessary know very well. But this never happened - my attraction circuits never shut off. So I spent 3 years trying to do monogamy and thinking that I was broken or not trying hard enough because I was still attracted to people apart from the person who was supposed to be my partner.

The reason I'm polyamorous now is because I realised that trying to do monogamy breaks me - I can either lie to myself about how I'm feeling (and make myself miserable), or lie to my partner about what I'm feeling (and make them miserable). But the crush thing isn't limited to people who seem to be wired for non-monogamy - even monogamous people in happy, committed relationships still have occasional weird strong feelings for other people who might be unobtainable and with whom they know full well a relationship might never work. So what's going on there? And crushes can go on for years. I've had a local friend who I've had a crush on in one sense or another for going on 9 years - but we've never tried to have a relationship because it so clearly wouldn't work. Common sense doesn't stop the occasional wistful feeling, though.

So why do parents or teachers insist on lying to teenagers? Is it all tied up with the myth of The One True Love? (everyone has a soulmate who is their Other Half, and they need to meet that person to become Whole, and once met they should never be parted etc etc yadda yadda puke). Is it desire to help the teenager get through a difficult couple of years, or designed to harm the young adult who finds themself taking a different path? Or wishful thinking on the part of a parent who has been happily married for 20 years? (yeah right, how many of us had them?).

I dunno.

Comments

[supergee.livejournal.com]

I've been having teenage crushes for more than 40 years now, and I've learned to do it without making a mess.

[hiddenpaw.livejournal.com]

If they call it a crush then it's cute and inocent and they don't have to think about thier children shagging.

It may even be a ploy to stop children shagging.

[esbat.livejournal.com]

I agree with a lot of what you've said. I think adults generally perceive the affections of teenagers to be often misguided and fickle, which is what I understand by the word "crush". It doesn't mean it's any less important to the person feeling it though. I think their perception is that when you become an adult you develop feelings which are more grounded in the realities of compatibility and less likely to be transient. I don't personally see much evidence for it though. Even thinking about some of the people I had a "crush" on when I was 13 or 14 makes me feel all tingly and weird. So much for transient fickle feelings. On the other hand I do think I'm now less likely to develop those kinds of feelings for people who are woefully incompatible with me. Perhaps that's what some of those well-meaning adults were referring to.

[ailbhe]

My mother didn't deny she had a crush on Sidney Poitier when we asked when we were ickle. So I always knew it was normal to keep having them, and found it weird that I never did have them. I've since realised that I only crush on real people I know and interact with, not strangers.

[thekumquat.livejournal.com]

I wonder if the speakers were people who did grow out of said crushes, and assumed everyone else did too? I don't know myself, since I was the one being told I was abnormal for not having crushes (I faked some in the end...), but as far as I know the girls who declared themselves madly in love with various pop stars and actors and just had to kiss their posters goodnight aren't still doing such things.

Also, I think people often use "crush" for the 'oh my god my life isn't worth living if X doesn't want me' type of unreciprocated feeling, and wouldn't put more 'normal' unreciprocated feelings in the same category. If I understand the sort of 'wistful feelings' you're talking about, they aren't what I'd think of as a crush in the sense of what people tell teenagers they'll get over.

I dunno - perhaps all teachers need to learn to say "Your Milage May Vary".

Too true

[andygates.livejournal.com]

Never imagined that attraction circuits would shut off. Certainly they never have for me. One dead marriage to the wind and I've kinda learned. Perhaps poly's just deep wiring, or perhaps mono is a kind of conditioning that didn't take.

[chrismoose.livejournal.com]

I don't think anyone grows out of crushes. And they're are pefectly naturally. I see crushes as 'someone I could be friends with' + 'chemistry'. And you're never going stop that happening. But you choose not to act on it, and if you want to, you might choose to become friends and hope the other bit dies down.
Having decided to be monogamous, I think it's about making a commitment to someone and sticking with it. I've found someone i love and want to be with forever, so even when I meet people that "might have been", I choose not to respond. I don't believe anyone can really find that One True Love, but what we can do is find is someone who we choose to build a life with and who becomes our one true love.