this is NOT me being cryptic!
Sep. 11th, 2005 12:52 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
baratronToday was a very productive day.
You know when you like someone and you know they like you but you're not sure in what way they like you? And it's someone you met very briefly in real life 2 years ago, and thought was attractive then? but you haven't actually seen them since? But you've been communicating online, and you're pretty sure you have a crush on them. So then you see them in real life again and have a proper conversation, and find you are definitely interested in a closer relationship than you have currently? But you're really bad at flirting. And the other person is at least at bad as flirting as you are, but you know they are potentially interested, but not whether they are potentially interested in you. So then you have to do the "um... er..." communication thing and try to communicate your interest, while simultaneously not sounding like a complete mad obsessive who will come round & stalk them if they only want to be friends?
Yeah. That.
Some people would suggest at this point to go for direct communication, like sending an email directly communicating "hello, do you want to be my partner?", but that sets up the possibility of rejection, or the other person feeling pressured to decide, when they might want to go very slowly over a few months and make sure that we really are compatible. And especially whether our disabilities are going to collide and cause stress, which is something you can only work out by actually trying closer-than-just-lj friendship first. And I know how badly my last relationship crashed & burned when I tried to circumvent all these safety checks and went straight for a Relationship with someone that I wasn't already friends with (and now he doesn't even want to be friends, & I can't blame him, because I was a nutcase during the relationship). So it is sensible to take things really slowly, even if it's frustrating. And, imo, and especially considering that crash & burn - if there's a chance of it going either way, it is always better to get a good friendship than a bad Relationship.
But, argh!
Someone needs to come up with some kind of form letter for these situations. Yes, I've seen the Poly Geek Relationship Disclosure Form - it's not really appropriate when you already know someone well enough for both of you to know most of the other person's answers. Maybe I should just take the parts of it that say "If this relationship continues to work well, I would like to do [X, Y & Z] with you".
Hello, you. You know who you are. Clue: if I spent Saturday 10th September 2005 with you, I'm talking about you.
Right now, I am interested in
(*) Friendship
(*) Cuddling/Smooching
(*) Talking (includes ordinary emailing)
If things go well, within a few weeks, I will be interested in:
(*) Starting a long-term Secondary Relationship
(*) Sex, but only if you want to
I don't do short-term Relationships. Any Relationship I start is long-term, in the sense of open-ended, "for as long as it still feels good".
This relationship won't meet my needs if it doesn't provide or allow for:
(*) Friendship
(*) Talking (includes ordinary emailing)
If things continue to go well, within a few years I might want to:
(*) Move in together.
It's pretty unlikely, but vaguely possible.
A long-term relationship would not meet my needs unless it provides or allows for:
(*) Legally marrying my primary partner.
I am
(*) Bisexual.(Kinsey number between e and pi).
(*) pretty much gay/lesbian, both at the same time.
My sex drive is
(*) so little, I feel like I'm missing out.
For sex, if it ever happens, latex is:
(*) Absolutely prohibited
Silicone is:
(*) Required for some activities but not others.
I swear this is actually more cryptic than just spelling it out. God.
I'd prefer a Primary relationship:
(*)with several people, all together
but I ain't gonna get that with my current primary partner. Nor do I feel like dumping him & running off with someones else :)
I could live with a Primary relationship:
(*) with only one person
(*) with several people, separately
I require my primary SOs' secondary relationships to be:
Question is irrelevant owing to raving monogamy of primary partner.
I require my own secondary relationships to be:
(*) people known to and who are willing to talk with my primaries.
(*) people who are NOT trying to end my primary relationships.
Well, duh. Do you think anyone who was ethically non-monogamous would want to get involved with someone who wanted to end their existing relationships?
I have about
( ) Less than 5
( ) 5-10
( ) 10-15
( ) 15-20
( ) More than 20
hours during the work week that I could spend with a new relationship, not including time spent asleep.
Can anyone answer this question? I'm serious! I mean, how long is a piece of string? Answer: it is entirely flexible, depending on how much NRE I have, how busy my existing partners are, whether I am ill, and what the other person wants. *rolls eyes*
Logistical considerations:
(*) I am car-FREE
(*) I share a home with someone else.
Gregariousness:
(*) I prefer small gatherings of people known to me.
(*) I would go out much more often if I wasn't ALLERGIC TO EVERYTHING!
I am "out" about being poly:
(*) To everyone except birth family and clients
PDAs involving ANYONE are acceptable:
(*) Anytime, anywhere
(*) Within the bounds of good taste
Why did I bother filling this in, again?
You know when you like someone and you know they like you but you're not sure in what way they like you? And it's someone you met very briefly in real life 2 years ago, and thought was attractive then? but you haven't actually seen them since? But you've been communicating online, and you're pretty sure you have a crush on them. So then you see them in real life again and have a proper conversation, and find you are definitely interested in a closer relationship than you have currently? But you're really bad at flirting. And the other person is at least at bad as flirting as you are, but you know they are potentially interested, but not whether they are potentially interested in you. So then you have to do the "um... er..." communication thing and try to communicate your interest, while simultaneously not sounding like a complete mad obsessive who will come round & stalk them if they only want to be friends?
Yeah. That.
Some people would suggest at this point to go for direct communication, like sending an email directly communicating "hello, do you want to be my partner?", but that sets up the possibility of rejection, or the other person feeling pressured to decide, when they might want to go very slowly over a few months and make sure that we really are compatible. And especially whether our disabilities are going to collide and cause stress, which is something you can only work out by actually trying closer-than-just-lj friendship first. And I know how badly my last relationship crashed & burned when I tried to circumvent all these safety checks and went straight for a Relationship with someone that I wasn't already friends with (and now he doesn't even want to be friends, & I can't blame him, because I was a nutcase during the relationship). So it is sensible to take things really slowly, even if it's frustrating. And, imo, and especially considering that crash & burn - if there's a chance of it going either way, it is always better to get a good friendship than a bad Relationship.
But, argh!
Someone needs to come up with some kind of form letter for these situations. Yes, I've seen the Poly Geek Relationship Disclosure Form - it's not really appropriate when you already know someone well enough for both of you to know most of the other person's answers. Maybe I should just take the parts of it that say "If this relationship continues to work well, I would like to do [X, Y & Z] with you".
Hello, you. You know who you are. Clue: if I spent Saturday 10th September 2005 with you, I'm talking about you.
Right now, I am interested in
(*) Friendship
(*) Cuddling/Smooching
(*) Talking (includes ordinary emailing)
If things go well, within a few weeks, I will be interested in:
(*) Starting a long-term Secondary Relationship
(*) Sex, but only if you want to
I don't do short-term Relationships. Any Relationship I start is long-term, in the sense of open-ended, "for as long as it still feels good".
This relationship won't meet my needs if it doesn't provide or allow for:
(*) Friendship
(*) Talking (includes ordinary emailing)
If things continue to go well, within a few years I might want to:
(*) Move in together.
It's pretty unlikely, but vaguely possible.
A long-term relationship would not meet my needs unless it provides or allows for:
(*) Legally marrying my primary partner.
I am
(*) Bisexual.(Kinsey number between e and pi).
(*) pretty much gay/lesbian, both at the same time.
My sex drive is
(*) so little, I feel like I'm missing out.
For sex, if it ever happens, latex is:
(*) Absolutely prohibited
Silicone is:
(*) Required for some activities but not others.
I swear this is actually more cryptic than just spelling it out. God.
I'd prefer a Primary relationship:
(*)with several people, all together
but I ain't gonna get that with my current primary partner. Nor do I feel like dumping him & running off with someones else :)
I could live with a Primary relationship:
(*) with only one person
(*) with several people, separately
I require my primary SOs' secondary relationships to be:
Question is irrelevant owing to raving monogamy of primary partner.
I require my own secondary relationships to be:
(*) people known to and who are willing to talk with my primaries.
(*) people who are NOT trying to end my primary relationships.
Well, duh. Do you think anyone who was ethically non-monogamous would want to get involved with someone who wanted to end their existing relationships?
I have about
( ) Less than 5
( ) 5-10
( ) 10-15
( ) 15-20
( ) More than 20
hours during the work week that I could spend with a new relationship, not including time spent asleep.
Can anyone answer this question? I'm serious! I mean, how long is a piece of string? Answer: it is entirely flexible, depending on how much NRE I have, how busy my existing partners are, whether I am ill, and what the other person wants. *rolls eyes*
Logistical considerations:
(*) I am car-FREE
(*) I share a home with someone else.
Gregariousness:
(*) I prefer small gatherings of people known to me.
(*) I would go out much more often if I wasn't ALLERGIC TO EVERYTHING!
I am "out" about being poly:
(*) To everyone except birth family and clients
PDAs involving ANYONE are acceptable:
(*) Anytime, anywhere
(*) Within the bounds of good taste
Why did I bother filling this in, again?
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-09-11 01:31 am (UTC)I think I understand what you're talking about with trying to communicate your interest without coming on too strong. I'm not in that situation of course, right now, but I've been there in the past, and I'll probably be there in the future.
I'd be very surprised if your parents haven't worked out you're poly, although I suppose it is possible.
I laughed at the kinsey number between e and pi. ;^)
I'm completely in the dark about who this mystery person is. I'll obviously have to phone you tomorrow to find out.
no subject
Date: 2005-09-11 01:03 pm (UTC)I don't know about my parents, really. I think I've told my mum that Richard & I have an open relationship, but I don't know whether she actually realises that I have more than one partner because it's how I do love, or if she thinks that one boyfriend + one girlfriend = bisexual monogamy (eurgh!). My dad is remarkably clueless and/or deliberately head-in-sand when it comes to my sexuality. I don't even think he knows I'm bi - I certainly haven't told him. Can you imagine me sitting down and telling my dad anything personal about myself?
He reckons that you can "always tell" when someone is gay. This is based entirely on my cousins Lorraine and Bobby, where Lorraine is the kind of uber-butch lesbian with very very short hair, a moustache & dungarees, while Bobby is the kind of super-fluffy cuddly plump gay man with an interest in cooking, no interest in sports, a high-pitched voice, and lots of female friends. Yeah, ok. We know two people that are stereotypically gay, so therefore all gay people are stereotypical! I had to point out that he knew my dear friend John for 4 years before John came out, and while I think I always knew at the back of my mind, my dad was utterly shocked. He was even a bit surprised about Tim & Peter, although as soon as he found out he started going on about how obvious it was from how they dress. I was like, er, Tim wears jeans & t-shirts. So does Richard. Um... My dad's logic bears so little relation to actual logic. Mind you, that's true for both my parents ;)
I am sure I mentioned this person to you very very recently, like the last time you were here! I met her at BiCon in London, you met her at BiCon last, briefly, apparently.
no subject
Date: 2005-09-11 07:25 pm (UTC)It occurs to me that they probably couldn't tell the difference between how you relate to me and how you relate to Tim & Peter. Come to that, I'm not sure I can.
Erm, right. Let's not go any further into your Dad's logic, shall we.
I think I know who you're talking about, and if so, she was on my shortlist of people you might have been talking about... Either way, I'm going to phone you soon, as I am now back... Lunch was good. We met Hatty's bf for the first time, and got on quite well with him.