h-l's history with indirect communication
Nov. 21st, 2006 10:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
Several years ago, there was a thread on alt.polyamory entitled "RJ's history with 'indirect' communication", in which
rmjwell tried to articulate what it was about indirect communication that bugged him so much. This rapidly turned into The Thread That Ate alt.poly. I remember it spanning a good 2000+ posts (Google Groups suggests 3157) and several months.
One of the things that came up in that thread was the idea of people saying one thing and meaning the polar opposite. An example was given of a visitor saying "What a nice, fresh breeze!" and meaning "Please close the window". That completely blew my mind. If a visitor in my house was to remark on the pleasantness of a breeze, I would either sit there continuing to enjoy the breeze alongside them, or offer to open the window wider. I certainly would never get any idea that the person was cold and wanted the window shut. The idea that someone could say something so utterly contrary broke my brain.
So, a few days ago, we received a letter from an elderly relative that is so full of indirect communication, we hardly know how to interpret it. So I'm asking all of livejournal to offer insights.
"Thank you for the parcel. You really need not in future send gifts at my age. I really do not need much, just a card or letter is enough."
What does this mean?
a) Please don't bother to send me a present in future. I already have more toiletries than I think I'll use in the rest of my life. any more. As it is, when I die, you'll find several cupboards full of unused toiletries.
b) Please don't bother to send me a present in future. I don't want you wasting your money on something I don't really want. You have no idea what I actually like, anyway.
c) Please don't send me a present in future. I would rather you took the time to keep in contact rather than spending money on items to assuage your guilt.
d) Please don't send me a present in future. I would rather you actually bothered to visit me rather than spending money on items.
e) I am going to ask you not to send me a present, but if you comply with this request, I will be offended.
f) All of the above?
"I have meals on wheels + home help 3 times a week. Twice for housework and one day they do shopping, all of which I pay for - so I can manage."
Why is she telling us this?
a) I am proud that I still live in my own house.
b) I am proud that I live independently of the State, unlike a lot of other elderly or disabled people.
c) I am annoyed that I have to pay for help, but too proud to try to claim it for free.
d) I am annoyed that I have to pay for help, because my relatives don't come to see me often enough.
e) All of the above?
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One of the things that came up in that thread was the idea of people saying one thing and meaning the polar opposite. An example was given of a visitor saying "What a nice, fresh breeze!" and meaning "Please close the window". That completely blew my mind. If a visitor in my house was to remark on the pleasantness of a breeze, I would either sit there continuing to enjoy the breeze alongside them, or offer to open the window wider. I certainly would never get any idea that the person was cold and wanted the window shut. The idea that someone could say something so utterly contrary broke my brain.
So, a few days ago, we received a letter from an elderly relative that is so full of indirect communication, we hardly know how to interpret it. So I'm asking all of livejournal to offer insights.
"Thank you for the parcel. You really need not in future send gifts at my age. I really do not need much, just a card or letter is enough."
What does this mean?
a) Please don't bother to send me a present in future. I already have more toiletries than I think I'll use in the rest of my life. any more. As it is, when I die, you'll find several cupboards full of unused toiletries.
b) Please don't bother to send me a present in future. I don't want you wasting your money on something I don't really want. You have no idea what I actually like, anyway.
c) Please don't send me a present in future. I would rather you took the time to keep in contact rather than spending money on items to assuage your guilt.
d) Please don't send me a present in future. I would rather you actually bothered to visit me rather than spending money on items.
e) I am going to ask you not to send me a present, but if you comply with this request, I will be offended.
f) All of the above?
"I have meals on wheels + home help 3 times a week. Twice for housework and one day they do shopping, all of which I pay for - so I can manage."
Why is she telling us this?
a) I am proud that I still live in my own house.
b) I am proud that I live independently of the State, unlike a lot of other elderly or disabled people.
c) I am annoyed that I have to pay for help, but too proud to try to claim it for free.
d) I am annoyed that I have to pay for help, because my relatives don't come to see me often enough.
e) All of the above?
no subject
Date: 2006-11-21 11:29 pm (UTC)I suppose this all sounds like an excuse to her. Maybe it is. I find it extremely stressing to visit relatives at the best of times, because of my food issues and breathing allergies. People think you're being rude when you refuse hot drinks and biscuits - but I get way too sick from dairy products to risk even one biscuit. I've tried to explain this to numerous people on numerous occasions, but it doesn't get understood. The fact I used to be able to eat these things gets brought up, and I try countering with the information that I didn't used to be anywhere near this sensitive to dairy (I think I've been intolerant to it my whole life, but I only really noticed once I got old enough for my digestive system to stop producing lactose) - but it gets seen as me being faddy. So I much, much prefer it if people come to visit me, in an environment where I control the allergens. We *have* normal milk, and biscuits, and even ice cream that I can't eat - I've never forced anyone to have any of my "funny" milk unless there wasn't any normal in the house for some reason! But even asking people to come to us is seen as me being difficult :( And visiting us isn't possible for an elderly, frail relative, who has even fewer transport options available than we do.
no subject
Date: 2006-11-21 11:44 pm (UTC)I have to say I visit awkward to get to relatives infrequently, unless I especially like them. Then again, I have an awful lot of relatives, and I was always a bit hard like that. It becomes less of an issue as you become older, too.
no subject
Date: 2006-11-22 08:44 pm (UTC)(And would you trust my biscuits?)
no subject
Date: 2006-11-23 09:52 pm (UTC)Tough call on the biscuits. Probably? Then again, I doubt you'd be offended if I wanted to see a packet of something (either of the biscuit itself if shop bought or of something like margarine if homemade). Friends rarely are.
no subject
Date: 2006-11-23 10:29 pm (UTC)